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1:01

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their lives in interesting and sometimes

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surprising ways.

1:51

Hello

1:51

and welcome to the best of

1:53

My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice,

1:55

James, how are we both?

1:57

Jamie, it never fails to shock me

1:59

that we are able... to call these episodes back. I'm

2:03

not sure what the feedback's been, James, how are

2:05

they going down? Are people listening to them? Are they enjoying them?

2:08

Oh yeah, and we're getting a lot of people asking

2:10

for particular themes. Oh,

2:12

okay. So stay

2:14

tuned, because believe it or not, there'll be more. So

2:17

we might use some of those themes in episodes to come.

2:19

That's really outsourcing our job, isn't

2:21

it? It's like, what should we theme them on? If you remember

2:23

the clips, could you send us a time code?

2:25

No, honestly that'd be really handy

2:27

if you could, because it'd save me a lot of time.

2:30

I feel bad for you having to go through all the old timelines and

2:32

find a bit of it. Honestly, having to listen to you two squawking on

2:34

for, what, eight years of content? Not

2:36

my favourite thing. I re-listened to the

2:38

first series to see if there were any gems in there.

2:41

Where were we

2:42

recording? And what's on? Best

2:44

sound quality. I know.

2:47

Well, the very first episode we recorded on like

2:49

a... Like a dictaphone. Yeah. Well,

2:51

like, we weren't supposed to release

2:54

it, do you remember? Because here's an interesting thing about my dad,

2:56

Robert Aporna. This wasn't the original

2:58

format, if you recall, guys. What

3:00

do you mean? Well, I don't want to point fingers,

3:02

James, but you were not originally

3:05

going to be in it. Do you remember? I was never supposed to be

3:07

on it. It was just going to be YouTube. I was going to produce

3:09

it and you two were just going to wang on. And we realised...

3:11

Sorry, Tony, we just broke in, but we realised

3:14

how amusing I was and thought, we can't

3:16

afford to lose that voice from the pops.

3:19

Quite literally, because our initial thought was like

3:21

getting guests on each week. Do you remember, to

3:23

read it? Can you imagine this without

3:26

James? Yes, actually.

3:28

Shut up. Shut up. Who'd upload

3:31

it? To be fair,

3:33

who'd hold him to account? I'm not doing it on my own. Don't

3:35

point at me, you little red. Also, it would be slightly

3:38

weird if it was you reading your Dasporn just

3:40

to ask. No, it wasn't just to honest, we were going to have a guest

3:42

on each week. Like who? Like a notable

3:44

person. It was never going to work. Oh, give me a name, episode one,

3:46

series one. Who are you going to get

3:49

for that? One of

3:51

Jamie's pals. Yeah, one of the

3:53

many zed-listers in my phone probably. It would be somebody

3:55

from the theatre, wouldn't it? It's

3:57

different from like loose swimming, wouldn't it? What

4:00

the fuck? No. And then

4:02

I remember, because we were going to... So that

4:04

was our loose plan, even though

4:07

it wouldn't have worked because we were reading a story and each guest would have

4:09

been like, what happened last episode? And it wouldn't have really worked.

4:11

But we thought, well, let's just see if it will work as

4:13

a... even in terms of the content. So we got

4:15

James to record it with us. And I remember editing

4:18

it, guys, and thinking, do you know what? It

4:20

pains me to say it, but Cooper's got to

4:22

stay. I mean, I was I was involved

4:25

from the beginning. You just... Yeah, yeah. You two weren't

4:27

letting me in. I

4:29

think I was just sat in the room helping record and then I just

4:31

piped in. No, you were definitely there as a

4:33

stand-in guest. Charming.

4:36

How amazing and how... You

4:38

know, it's interesting that it really kind of revealed

4:41

itself to be the format that we needed to go down.

4:43

The format that nobody knew we wanted, James,

4:45

I think is what we wanted. I wonder if there's

4:47

any offshoots from that first episode

4:50

that we liked some terrible gags

4:52

while we were finding our fear. Yeah, maybe. Or if there's

4:54

any like gold in that. Anyway,

4:56

so that's a bit of backstory. But

4:59

yeah, this month we're doing the best of... Bear

5:03

with us because these definitions are

5:05

getting really, really quite woolly. Oh,

5:07

Lucifer by the day. The best of...

5:10

What did you just say, Al? Coming of age. Coming

5:12

of age, that's it. Kind of stories of our...

5:16

Maturation. Yeah. Like from

5:18

like teenage to uni. Kind

5:20

of from when we met, really. So from university

5:22

and then as we were finding our feet in London and all the stories

5:24

that we have in our twenties, I guess. When we

5:26

met. I met Alice on a bus. Met Jamie at a Halloween

5:29

party. Yeah, we have gone through this on

5:31

the podcast, so don't worry. That won't be included in

5:33

this festival. But there'll be other things... Not

5:35

one bit sentimental. I'll be rushing

5:37

through this one, isn't it? Come on and chat today. What's

5:39

it got to be? Okay, you're right. How

5:42

are you both? James, don't mind that you could go at any

5:44

moment. You and his mind are asunder,

5:47

okay? I've always felt my position precarious.

5:50

Rubbish. No, how are you? I mean,

5:53

James, there is a... I love when we

5:55

want to dwell on something. He always just goes back to how are

5:57

you. Well, I'm just

5:59

going to... I'm opening the floor to you guys, but I mean, there

6:01

is an elephant in the room and it's James' foot.

6:04

My big elephant foot? Yeah, he stubbed my

6:06

toe last night and it's definitely

6:08

broken, it's very swollen. Alice has kindly provided

6:11

me with two ice packs, which my toe

6:13

is... I've got a little toe sandwich going on down here

6:15

right now. I am getting worried about James Alice because he

6:18

is now prone to a fall. He's decrepit. He's

6:20

had like three falls in the last three months. Well,

6:22

this wasn't a fall, but yeah, I've had two

6:24

falls this year. And like falls,

6:27

like when you're young, you fall over, when you're

6:29

old, you have a fall. So I'm in the

6:31

have a fall category now. But also,

6:33

I don't want to panic you,

6:35

but I stub my toe all the time and it doesn't

6:37

just snap while your bones go properly.

6:41

Because he's at that age, it's off to your process.

6:43

Oh God! So in the summer, I was

6:46

crossing a road quite quickly and I tripped

6:48

on the curb and went to like stop myself

6:50

with my hands and broke my left wrist.

6:53

And then it had just healed and I was at a wedding

6:56

on the way to the wedding and I slipped on my new slippy

6:58

shoes and I fell on the same wrist

7:01

and sprained it. Alice, have you heard who nursed

7:03

him back to health at this wedding? Hey!

7:06

Caroline Quentin. Who

7:09

is a... for that international... A

7:11

national treasure, I would say. Jonathan

7:13

Freeke. Kiss Me Kate.

7:15

Kiss Me Kate. And Behaving Badly. Probably don't have that.

7:17

Very, very 90s references. I've actually done a lot

7:19

of work since then. Cornwall with Caroline Quentin,

7:22

if you're a fan of that. Oh, there you go. You clearly are. Erm...

7:25

So wait, do you have her on speed dial? No, she was a guest

7:27

at the wedding and yeah, she

7:29

kind of heard that I'd hurt my hand and she came

7:32

to me. She had... what's a large

7:34

wedding? The rumours were just circling. 250 guests,

7:36

Jamie, it was a big one. Well, clearly, he made the cut and Caroline

7:39

Quentin. A broad wedding or everyone turned to a big one. It was a broad

7:41

wedding. I had a broad wedding! Erm... yeah,

7:43

and she came in like nursed... she was so nice. She

7:46

like nursed me back to health, she sorted me right out,

7:48

she got me a bandage. So thank you Caroline.

7:50

I'm sure she's not listening. No.

7:51

Does she have first day training

7:53

or did she just...? Hahahaha

7:55

Why... why was she the go-to? Just

7:57

because she's fabulous.

7:58

She must have played a nurse at some point.

7:59

Was she a nurse? I remember having badly. Was she?

8:02

Oh yes, I think she was, yeah. She was

8:04

a therapist in Kiss Me Kate. You

8:06

know this. Did she give you any good advice? No,

8:10

I didn't get any therapy, but clearly that

8:13

training still works. Yeah, although you're not really

8:15

moving two of your fingers. So. No,

8:17

no, it's fine. Okay. Oh, look at them, so dexterous.

8:20

Yeah, so you kind of, you were going from when we were all

8:22

young and meeting to you being old and decrepit,

8:24

really. I'm not old and decrepit, am I? No,

8:27

to be fair to you, James, you are a different generation

8:29

to

8:29

James. You're not a different

8:31

generation. I think you are. No, well, because

8:34

we're millennials and you're a boomer. I'm

8:37

a millennial. Wow.

8:40

Okay. Right, sorry. Who in

8:42

the vibe, hasn't they? Should we go back to the original idea and

8:44

just cut him out? Do millennials shout, I

8:46

am a millennial? I don't feel like they do. Give

8:48

me. Give me. I am a millennial at your house.

8:51

Millennials are born from 1980 onwards. Is

8:53

this such a boom for you thing? I was born in 1984. Summer

8:57

millennial, thank you. I'm getting there for weeks. I think

8:59

so. Well, so you're like an old woman.

9:02

Look, this isn't about me. My bones

9:04

are intact. James, we just

9:06

want to make sure that you are fit and healthy for

9:08

your 40th birthday, which is incoming. Next

9:11

year, thank you.

9:11

Can I just check something? I'm not sat on a cushion. I

9:14

don't think you

9:14

are, Jamie. I'm not, no. Are you sat on a cushion,

9:16

James? Okay, that's it, I rest my case. Are

9:19

you really? Oh yeah,

9:21

I mean, you think it was on the chair. Yeah. I

9:24

kind of thought about the chairs in Alice's house. You

9:26

can't sit on any of them. Listen to this one. James,

9:30

don't, that's precarious. That's Alice's bones. I

9:32

mean, let's

9:32

have sex in it. It just sits still in

9:34

it. Why are you moving your bottom? What's

9:36

wrong with you? It is actually

9:37

funny to think of a time when we didn't

9:39

know each other.

9:40

I think we know each other half our lives now. Oh

9:42

my God. Pretty much. Wow.

9:45

I don't know how to feel about that. Because

9:47

I introduced you to. Yes. I'm

9:50

the glue. And you didn't

9:52

want me on the podcast. No, it wasn't that

9:54

we didn't want you on the podcast. It was just that like, we didn't,

9:56

we were trying to work out what we wanted to do with

9:58

the show. Yeah.

9:59

I think we, you know, through the audition

10:02

process, we really found somebody who

10:04

fits. And I now find

10:06

it hard to think of you as a

10:08

sort

10:08

of second choice,

10:10

you know? Not impossible, just

10:12

hard.

10:13

I really think of you as being almost

10:15

integral to it now.

10:16

Almost, yeah. As stand-ins

10:18

go, you're really not here. Yeah, because

10:20

sometimes, you know, when people fill in on TV

10:22

shows or radio shows, you kind of feel like, oh

10:25

wow, like that's so

10:25

at home there. And I really feel like that with you.

10:30

The biggest fucking hags in the world. James,

10:33

I just want to say for the record, on mic,

10:35

I'm really glad that you decided to be apart. Sorry.

10:38

That we decided to let you be on. Yeah, that we decided that

10:40

you were allowed to. We're really

10:42

thrilled about it, so thanks. You too. How

10:46

do you upload an episode of this podcast? What

10:48

do you mean? How does this get on

10:51

the podcast feed? Oh, the internet. Yeah.

10:55

Isn't it going there now? No, it's

10:58

not a live show. I've said that before. Not

11:00

a live radio show, despite what some people think. I'm

11:03

joking. You take this audio

11:05

in your pocket and

11:08

you put it on

11:09

the RFS. Feed.

11:10

Feed. How?

11:12

How? That's

11:13

what I mean. She would

11:15

be useless. If we both die, as we know we're best dogs,

11:17

we'd play good things. Do

11:20

you know? You don't know. Yeah. Very

11:23

quiet about how though, isn't he? Yeah, exactly. Well,

11:25

you go to ACAS. Dotcom.

11:28

Dotcom. And you log in. And there are two logins

11:31

for Podcaster and somebody

11:33

else. I don't know what you're talking about. I love that

11:35

he's like, you go to ACAS. He meant literally, you go

11:37

to the offices and you go, I don't know what to do, James.

11:40

Go with the memory stick.

11:41

Hello, it's me. She's the

11:43

head of ACAS.

11:45

No, look. Interrupt the board

11:47

meeting. Hello. Sorry, you don't know me. Listen,

11:50

everyone is integral to the show. I

11:52

knew the minute I started editing it that you had to be part of

11:54

the show because you've made it what it is. It's fantastic.

11:57

I'm

11:57

saddened that

11:58

all you could think of to justify your...

11:59

position here in knowing how to upload

12:02

the act. Which also

12:04

is nothing to do with him being on the show and

12:06

really a producer's job which is what you always were. So

12:09

I think it's high time we go into

12:11

the archives and listen to some best

12:14

of content. God the way you treat the

12:16

elderly is quite frankly. If

12:19

we just listened to you, heard your stories, we could have

12:21

learnt so much. I

12:31

once lived with eight people in one flat and it

12:33

was hell. I was by the front door and

12:36

they'd

12:39

come in at like five in the morning, bang the front

12:41

door and start playing techno music. But the straw

12:43

that broke the camel's back was one day I came

12:45

down to the fridge to get my cheese to make a cheese

12:47

sandwich. And

12:58

took my front cheese out and there was a massive bite

13:00

mark out of my cheese. So

13:02

I was marching around the house going, who

13:04

bit my cheese? Who

13:06

bit my cheese? Turns

13:10

out it was this girl. But I was

13:13

so mad because it just felt so disrespectful. You

13:16

don't just bite someone's cheese. You do not

13:19

bite someone's cheese and not expect consequence.

13:21

I mean I feel like you bite someone's cheese but you like take

13:23

them out for dinner first, you

13:24

know? We all lived with kind of

13:26

horrors when we were at university on

13:28

a varying sliding scale. What did you have to deal

13:30

with? My parents gave

13:32

us a fridge freezer because

13:35

there were six of them in the flat. A generous gift? Yeah,

13:37

isn't it? To use for like drinks and stuff. Chest freezer

13:39

or just a regular swing

13:40

door? Regular swing door.

13:42

One of

13:44

each. One for the freezer, one for the fridge. And

13:47

I went down to London to visit some friends one weekend and

13:49

when I came back this girl that I lived with had put it in a skip.

13:52

What? On a road? No, she'd

13:54

enlisted the girl on wheels from down the road. Not

13:56

actually on wheels, we used to call her that because she was like a German

13:59

U-boat. you'd be by your side at a party, you're

14:01

like, how did you get here? I

14:02

know just the one you mean, I've forgotten about her. So

14:05

wait, as a vendetta against

14:07

you,

14:07

she removed your ability

14:09

to chill things. I mean, that's dark.

14:12

Honestly, Rocky was furious. To this day,

14:14

he hates her. Was it new, the fridge freezer?

14:16

It wasn't new, but it was perfectly workable. It

14:19

was a well-used fridge freezer, Alan. But

14:22

why did she chuck it away? Was it like in her way or was it

14:24

just like- No, she just hated me. I know- Maybe stored

14:26

it in a bedroom. But,

14:28

you know, student film. I lived with nice people.

14:31

Oh, I know who you're going to say. My favourite.

14:33

She was crackers. She was absolutely

14:36

bonkers.

14:37

She didn't know that carrot didn't come huge. Didn't

14:40

she used to call things funny food?

14:42

Yeah, so a lot of stuff she considered funny food and because

14:44

obviously I was having sort of like macropate

14:47

on the

14:47

daily. She thought everything I ate was funny food. But

14:50

she loved potatoes in every

14:52

form. Often on a plate,

14:54

in her words, she'd have like potato smileys,

14:57

your potato waffles, you'd have your mash, you'd

14:59

have your- Oh my God. You know the ones where they like scooped

15:01

in for all the skins? It's just like potatoes skins

15:04

that you can buy and they've like, they've like impregnated

15:06

them with something. All in one meal?

15:08

Oh, that was just the plate. It was just totally beige.

15:11

And she smoked, I would say, between 100 and 150,000 cigarettes a day.

15:15

Her room, honestly. Oh my God.

15:17

It was like an experiment. I'm

15:24

so distracted by the notepad

15:25

on James's fridge, which says,

15:27

fuck off you stupid talking cat. Who's that

15:29

to? So

15:32

when I first moved into this flat, it would get

15:34

to the kind of the middle of the night and I just heard this

15:36

cat in the garden and I'm not joking, it went, Hello.

15:42

Lies. Lies. I'm not

15:44

joking, I'm literally not joking. It used to come in every night

15:46

and say hello. Come in. No, come

15:48

into the garden and say hello. And

15:51

I told someone about it and they wrote it on my fridge. I thought

15:53

you'd written it in protest, hoping that it would see

15:55

you when it came in the night. I assume

15:57

it's died now though, because it stopped doing it. I hadn't

15:59

heard. I've been getting ready for a while. That is sadness because you didn't

16:02

say hello back. I've been giving the wave. Do

16:03

another one more hello. Hello. Did

16:05

it say in that photo? Literally pronounced the L. Hello.

16:10

Hello. Hello. Do you really think

16:12

it was a cat? No, I saw him and then the other thing

16:14

was like. Him, how do you know? I'd lift up

16:16

the blind to see him say hello and

16:18

he'd just stop talking. I'd be like, you crafty

16:21

little husband. Yeah. You

16:23

know I could get a viral clip out of this. You

16:25

know, I won't be filmed.

16:30

Do you remember

16:32

that time you slept in a bush Jamie? Yes I do, thank you

16:34

James. On a work night. Yeah on Park Lane

16:37

if I remember. Yeah well James, if you're gonna sleep in a bush. Sleep

16:39

on Park Lane. On London Park Lane, I mean it doesn't get better.

16:41

It's a five star bush. Did you sleep

16:44

within the bush? Well it was an out of season hindrain

16:46

jam. There weren't much,

16:49

there wasn't much phonies to be found. It's

16:53

beautiful blooms and sheds. One

16:55

of my favourite days of the year is when it's Alice's birthday

16:57

and she has her annual sherry.

16:59

I get very excited about it. And the day after

17:01

I have

17:01

my annual hangover. You are so ratty

17:04

on that day. No one sees her the day after. Do

17:06

you remember your 21st when you were

17:08

literally bedridden because you were so drunk?

17:11

I think it was only about 10 as well. It was midway through

17:13

the night. It was really bad. And

17:15

there was a fight breaking out at the end of your bed.

17:18

There was 50 cuffs, wasn't there? Jamie

17:20

was at the bedside if I remember. I think there's a photograph

17:22

where my eyes are rolling back in my head. And

17:24

Jamie's, I think there's maybe a damp flannel

17:27

on my forehead.

17:27

I was being a very good Florence Nightingale that

17:29

night. It was good. But Jamie- And I

17:31

think that's all the story. So shall we get into the chat? No, come

17:33

on. Show your drunkness straight

17:35

away. Drunk eyes. Drunk eyes, yeah.

17:38

Your eyes kind of, it's

17:40

hard to explain.

17:41

Well they go in different directions. But

17:43

you also fall asleep. We were in San Francisco.

17:45

Oh my God, I'm a nodler. And we were

17:47

in this club and James literally fell asleep while

17:49

he was dancing on the dance floor. So he's still dancing?

17:52

He was, it was a sight to see. He was still dancing,

17:54

but he was asleep. And

17:56

the bouncer was like, you've got to get out. And I was like,

17:58

no, it's fine. He's just, he's just- It's really into the music.

18:01

Has he pushed him over? I've got it on his face. But

18:03

we were kicked out James, thanks for that. Does that happen

18:05

often? Can you sleep standing up?

18:07

I cannot count how many clubs I've ordered and

18:09

sleeping in my car. It's a happy place. I find

18:11

it very therapeutic but obviously just

18:13

sends me right off.

18:20

It is IT people who always get a bad rep but there's a floor

18:22

in my office which isn't IT but

18:24

it's just full of unusual

18:27

circus type. Do

18:31

you spot them as they get off the list? What

18:33

do you mean? Well like, I

18:35

call them the two-ers because they always get off at floor two. Are

18:38

you really going to say what floor they're on? They've

18:41

all got like one tooth or they look like

18:43

they've cut their own hair. What are you still

18:45

all looking about? Where do you work? This isn't

18:47

a thing. All of them on the same floor. The two-ers. What

18:50

floor two? They're so unusual. I

18:52

don't know. Investigates

18:54

it immediately. What are they

18:55

releasing onto floor two that means everyone's teeth

18:57

fall

18:57

out? And the funny thing is my past doesn't work for

18:59

floor two so I can't investigate. Is that true? Okay,

19:02

that's suspicious. So wait, what sexy floor are

19:04

you on? Seven. Oh, I've got rooftop

19:06

views nearly. Nearly. Nearly. Rooftop

19:13

views nearly. There's actually another three

19:15

floors above me. Okay. So what have you

19:17

got? Just all the gubbins you can see, can you? All the

19:19

pipes and stuff. I can see the British Museum. I'm really pinpointing

19:21

my office here aren't I? This is great. I

19:24

cannot wait for you to go to work tomorrow. Shout

19:26

out to the two-ers. Here

19:29

we go. Geee. Jamie

19:33

used to have a coat that we called the brown. I

19:35

don't know if it started brown, but it was certainly

19:37

brown by the end. What? It was a brown coat.

19:40

It was, it was rag. It was nice. It

19:42

was rag. It was once nice. You used to sleep

19:44

in it like it was a sleeping bag. F***, what

19:47

is this, like attack Jamie weed? You once

19:49

slept in a bush in it didn't you? Oh, yeah you slept

19:51

in that bush in it. I didn't sleep in a bush then,

19:53

because I actually lost my shirt on

19:55

that nose. I

19:57

slept in the bush, talked.

20:00

Don't you hate it when you lose your shirt

20:02

on the night

20:03

out? That was one of the worst nights of my life. Anyway, it

20:05

was this coat he'd had for 100 years. I

20:07

can't remember. It's been passed down through the generations.

20:10

It was an old coat. It was an old coat. There

20:12

were holes there. I was like, get a new coat. I've

20:15

got a particularly good picture of you

20:16

in it because it was... In my mind,

20:18

it's made up of the pelts of different animals,

20:20

but would

20:21

it not? It's made me like old

20:23

horse, like me. There's

20:25

a bit that's otter though because there's a bit that's longer

20:27

hair. Yeah, a bit of otter, a little bit of

20:30

bear. Oh, OK, fine. I'm not

20:32

known for my fashion. I'll give you that. If you've

20:33

ever seen the BBC

20:35

ada... This is niche, but the BBC adaptation

20:37

of Narnia. Oh, my

20:39

God. It looked like Jamie.

20:41

Jamie was one of the beavers. I'll

20:45

just show you, James, because

20:49

this really will bring it to life for you. So

20:51

this is actually what it was, isn't

20:52

it? Oh, my God, it was. Didn't have

20:54

a hood, but like in the body, that's it.

20:57

It was ever so warm, guys. Whatever happened to it? I

20:59

bent it because you literally gave me... I got

21:01

a real complex about it, actually. Good. You made

21:03

me feel awful, so I did bend it. Yeah. That's the...

21:10

I feel a bit sore, actually, because

21:13

I went to a dance class last night. Oh,

21:15

excuse me, what? I'll

21:19

tell you what it's called. It's called Learn

21:22

to Twerk.

21:22

With the elderly. Learn

21:24

to twerk, but you have no ass, famously. OK,

21:27

well, this is my issue. I mean, she had an ass.

21:29

She just, you know... I

21:31

have an ass that won't quit. It's

21:34

just been made redundant. You

21:37

went to a learn to twerk class. I didn't know that's

21:39

what it was called. My friend just said, do you want to go to a dance

21:41

class? So I arrived. Now that's false advertising.

21:43

Well, amen. I arrived and everybody's wearing

21:46

great outfits,

21:46

but pretty skimpy. I'm

21:49

dressed like I'm in Bend It Like Beckham. I had some

21:51

fun. I had some

21:53

football shorts on and a baggy t-shirt,

21:55

basically a pee kit. The first alarm

21:57

bell that rang was the lady said,

21:59

Everyone, you're sexy bitches.

22:02

Oh, God. I

22:05

mean, that really got my heart going. I was like, oh no.

22:08

Then they create a circle, this circle of

22:10

trust. No. I'm afraid so.

22:12

And in the circle of trust,

22:14

you have to freestyle. The first

22:17

thing.

22:18

Yes. What? Yes,

22:21

the first thing. What did you do, the robot? Fish

22:23

little fish, what?

22:24

I essentially did the Charleston, and other people

22:26

are putting their hands on the floor and throwing

22:29

their ass in

22:30

the air. Oh my God. Oh my God,

22:32

I wish I'd seen you. Can we go with you next time? Okay, wait.

22:35

It gets worse.

22:36

So then we do the warmup.

22:38

Great.

22:39

Got it covered. I didn't know it was the warmup,

22:41

and then she's like, right now we'll learn the routine.

22:43

Jeez.

22:44

So I'm like, okay, that's fine. I like

22:46

to dance just in the comfort of my own

22:48

home. So I was like, I'll just shuffle to the back, I'll

22:50

watch.

22:50

It's like a dance move, shuffle to the back.

22:53

Shuffle to the back. I twerp to the back. I

22:56

got myself to the back and I was like, it's fine because

22:59

this way I can watch what everybody else does and

23:01

I don't need to remember it. So

23:03

I got to the back and then she's like, okay, so the first move

23:05

is a turn. So basically the back

23:07

was

23:07

a fun move. Oh. Awful.

23:11

So now I'm in front of the mirror.

23:13

So then. And you can see everyone behind you.

23:15

I can see everything

23:16

and they can all see me. And then

23:18

she said, I want you to feel your arse

23:20

cheek and then feel underneath

23:22

it.

23:23

And she's like. Excuse me. That's

23:25

what's got to shake. I cannot tell you how

23:27

much of me shook. Everything but my arse

23:29

shock. Cause you know, there's nothing to move. What's

23:32

gonna say? There's nothing underneath it. Cause there's

23:34

nothing on top. It's concave. That's

23:36

amazing. I wish I'd been there. Can you,

23:38

I mean, I know it's audio, but could you maybe give us

23:40

a little, give us a move? I can,

23:43

but I'd like you to

23:44

imagine what the song is that

23:46

I'm doing it to as I do

23:48

it. What is the song? My neck, my

23:50

back, my pussy

23:52

and also my crack. That's so Belinda of

23:55

you. She

23:55

said, she was like, guys, it's a long

23:57

town. Enjoy the pussy bit.

24:08

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24:36

Every time we record at my flat, I've got this really

24:38

buzzy fridge right behind you, Jamie.

24:41

Yes. Buzzy, like everyone's talking about it.

24:43

Oh my God. It is the talk of the town. Coolest

24:46

fridge on the street. It's the fridge of 2018. So I have to

24:48

turn it off because it's loud. So we recorded it last week.

24:50

I'll just say, we're that professional. We

24:53

switch off appliances. Oh my God. We

24:56

close doors. We really think about

24:58

this podcast. We would

24:58

shut your street if we could. We'd close it down, wouldn't

25:01

we?

25:01

And I forgot to turn it back

25:03

on, didn't I? So all my meat, all my

25:05

veg, everything in the fridge went

25:07

rotten and I've had to chuck it away. So you've had

25:09

a very, very lean week. I haven't eaten. I had to find

25:11

scraps in the cupboard, eat some mixed

25:14

herbs. James, two things. You

25:16

never have any food in the fridge

25:18

or freezer. I know, but I did

25:21

actually have meat in the freezer that I was keeping

25:23

for a rainy day. Oh, the best. For when the Pope

25:26

came. So you've

25:27

got an egg, a knob of

25:29

cheese, if that's the right measure.

25:30

Do you want to have a look now? See what's in there. Have

25:33

a rub my jalad. Okay.

25:34

Can you hear me from here?

25:35

Hang on. I'm going to bring a mic

25:38

to you because again, we're that technical.

25:41

Okay.

25:41

There's a small packet of barbecue

25:43

sauce, the kind that you'd get from a drive-in. There's

25:48

three sprouting bulbs of

25:50

garlic that look like they've been here since the turn of

25:52

the century.

25:53

Why have I done this? Why will I go in my

25:55

fridge? Why did I go in my fridge? And some

25:57

milk that has now become

25:58

cheese. What

26:01

could you make out of that?

26:01

It does seem like a cooking show challenge doesn't it?

26:04

I didn't mention the lago which would make a

26:06

lovely reduction on top of all of that. Do

26:08

you not remember

26:08

the time we came round and I made some food

26:10

of my own? I brought all the ingredients and

26:12

I said to James, Oh do you have any salt? And he said,

26:13

No I haven't been shopping this week. Like

26:16

you buy salt every week.

26:18

He also made you eat it off the floor if I remember correctly.

26:21

Yeah, but on a plate but off the floor. Yeah, interesting.

26:23

There's Pringles in that cupboard.

26:24

James Baroca, the Vitamin C

26:27

supplement is

26:27

not food. I've got flaxseed, I don't really know

26:29

what it is but I've got it. That's such a sad cup

26:31

of Closet. Have

26:33

the cupboarders ever screamed Spince the Moor?

26:35

Honestly,

26:36

it brings tears to my eyes.

26:39

I'm never here, I'm always out enjoying life

26:41

and seizing the opportunity. God,

26:48

all the dames. If you want

26:50

to just live your life copying dames, you go right ahead

26:52

Jamie. He

26:53

has spent his life just copying dames.

26:54

What's Joan Flowerite done recently? It's

26:57

a birthday morning. Do

26:59

you think when he was a child that's

27:02

who he had on his wall? Maggie

27:04

Smith, Judy didn't. Maggie

27:07

Smith in a skimpy bikini rolling in the sand. Maggie

27:09

Smith is quite hot back in the day. No I'm sure but she's

27:11

not really known as a pinup in that sense. No,

27:13

but Helen Mirren still is. Dave. Exactly,

27:16

Dave Helen Mirren. You had a

27:18

calendar of dames didn't you? No.

27:23

You know like when you're seeing garages in the 90s,

27:24

those kind of very raunchy

27:26

calendars where oiled up girls in, you

27:29

know, not very much. You had the equivalent

27:31

didn't you but it was in

27:32

Edwardian Garves, lots of dames, imperials,

27:35

dramas. Knuckles, Net Ruffles, Edith

27:37

Evans. Maggie Smith

27:38

in The Little Princess.

27:42

I try to think of us as a dame, you might like. Arlene

27:44

Phillips is about to become a dame, you'll be pleased about that. Dame Kelly Holmes

27:46

is she a dame? Oh so

27:49

really broadening it out, it's not just actors now. No

27:51

yeah, are there any more like of those like old

27:53

thespy dames? Oh yeah like dame

27:56

Chris and Scott Thomas. Oh, bit.

27:59

Yeah.

28:00

I mean he can name them all, he's pretending he can't think of them. I know.

28:03

Well, who's July? Basically. Hahaha. Any

28:06

like older actress is

28:08

probably a dame if they're British, right? Emma Thompson obviously.

28:10

Oh, Dame Ensign. Yeah, exactly. Dame Ensign. December. Um.

28:13

Hahaha. Jamie, I've googled

28:15

some dames here. Let's see how he responds.

28:17

Is it or not? What you tell me? Dame Diana

28:20

Rigg. Dead. Hahaha. It's not

28:22

the game. It's not the game! Well, yeah. These

28:24

are people I think Jamie had posters of on

28:27

his head. Can I just say, I didn't have posters of dames

28:29

of the realm. Calendar then, sorry. No, but Dame

28:31

Diana Rigg was hot back in the day. Dame Diana

28:34

Rigg, Dame Judi Dench, Dame Maggie Smith, Dame

28:36

Helen Mirren, Dame Barbara Windsor. Oh, there

28:38

you go. Dame Anna Sossie, wasn't she? Best of the

28:40

day. Elizabeth Taylor. Oh,

28:43

wonderful. No doubt, Angela

28:45

Lansbury. I bet you a loved of it, a Lansbury.

28:48

A bit of a 10 year

28:50

old Jamie. What is it? Lying

28:52

on his bed, looking at probably on his ceiling, a poster

28:54

of Lansbury.

28:55

Joan Collins, obviously.

28:57

Is she a dame? Because I was giving

28:59

them out. Dame Olivia

29:01

de Havilland. Don't know who that is. I guess she

29:04

owns a plane. She was very, very,

29:06

she was in like Gone With The Wind and stuff. She was 104 when she died, but yeah.

29:08

104, better Jamie. Penelope Keith. Penelope

29:10

Keith! Right, well, this is not Little

29:13

Is That. Olivia Newton-John. I could go on June

29:15

Whitfield. This. This.

29:18

Patricia Rutledge, who was in Keeping Up Appearances, which I love.

29:20

Well, guys, this has been fun, but we all know that I had that Britney

29:22

Spears poster on my wall, so. Dame Britney. Dame Britney

29:25

Spears. Any day now. You two would totally

29:27

lobby for that, what are you talking about? Um. You'd

29:30

jump from those women to Britney. To

29:32

Britney. But it was a gear change, isn't it? Life size

29:34

it was as well.

29:35

Did you press yourself up against the door? Because

29:37

she was, it was sort of a slight high.

29:39

It was quite life size it was. Okay, anyway. Um.

29:43

So they continued where they left off. So

29:45

shame it. Just like we are going to continue where we

29:47

left off. There's no shame in a dame. And no.

29:51

That's his motto. The

29:53

thing is, this is the least

29:55

joke of the day. jokes

30:00

we've ever done. Have you been barred

30:02

from pub, Jane? I have been barred from,

30:04

well, it's

30:14

easier to list what he's allowed. I

30:18

have been barred from one pub and

30:21

this was about 10 years ago.

30:23

It actually made national

30:25

news. I knew it was

30:27

going to be something else. But

30:29

we have a legend. Why

30:31

have we never told her this?

30:34

I was in the pub, it was a pub in Soho

30:36

in London and next

30:38

to our table there was a gay couple on a date.

30:41

Not me, for once. I didn't know them and

30:43

they started making out because it wasn't

30:45

even like a make out really, they

30:47

just kissed each other and they got thrown

30:50

out of the pub. I remember

30:53

this. It was like front

30:55

page of The Guardian stuff. It was the...

30:58

I would never go back anyway.

31:01

I wouldn't go back because I saw it in the news.

31:03

I then started

31:05

protesting in the pub to be like, you can't throw someone

31:07

out for that. He's an ally. I am.

31:10

Who knew? And then me

31:14

and my friend Lucy, we got

31:17

barred as well. They got thrown out and barred. We were like, you can

31:19

never come back. And then, yeah, it was in the press

31:21

and all sorts. Oh my God, of course, his barring

31:24

has to make the national media. It's a fucking front

31:26

page. Ridiculous. Was there a picture

31:28

of you as well or like a quote from you? I think there

31:30

was a quote from me somewhere and

31:33

Lucy as well. But I always wondered what happened

31:35

to that couple because they were really nice. But I mean, it

31:37

was the first date so they're probably not still together. Jamie,

31:39

on behalf of the gay community, thank

31:41

you for your tireless efforts to

31:44

make safer spaces in London. Look,

31:47

it was outrageous and justice had to be

31:49

served. And I think it was actually, I think there was a change

31:51

of management at that pub. So

31:53

can we go back? I think you can. I still can't,

31:55

but go nuts. Do you think your face is behind

31:57

the bar? How do they ever

31:58

remember this?

31:59

I don't think that. Because he was on the cover

32:02

of The Guardian. He made one of his face was on there. I

32:05

wasn't on the cover of The Guardian. But

32:07

the couple had a photo shoot on the page,

32:10

yeah. David provided headshots

32:12

that were never made for Fred. I

32:19

went to Brazil for New Year once. I had a great time.

32:22

You just watched loads of DVDs. Yeah, didn't

32:24

it rain non-stop? It did. We

32:26

were flooded on an island for eight days and the power went

32:28

off.

32:29

And didn't you get diarrhoea?

32:30

Yes, thank you. God.

32:33

It was really romantic. It

32:35

was rather

32:35

like the worst holiday ever, actually. Now

32:37

I remember you were telling it. No,

32:39

but on New Year's Eve, Copacabana Beach, fireworks

32:42

in the sea. Oh wow, that's cool.

32:45

Two million people. I actually found a

32:47

used needle on Ipanema Beach. Oh, my...

32:51

That was the drug section. What a dark

32:53

turn. Yeah, it was weird. Didn't

32:56

you get chased by a dog in the sea in Brazil? I did, yeah. Brazil

32:59

sounds awful. That was

33:01

a demon dog. It honestly had it in

33:03

for me. I had to be saved by

33:05

a local schoolboy who

33:07

jumped in the sea and wrestled the dog

33:10

to the bottom. It was honestly horrible. Of the

33:12

seabed? Yeah. Apparently

33:14

the dog was just playing and wanted to have fun with me, but I was

33:16

like, no, no, no. And I was a great picture

33:19

of him trying to kick it away. It

33:23

followed me in the sea and it was swimming

33:25

towards me and I was like, oh, and it was huge, this dog. And

33:27

I was really scared. And so I was swimming

33:29

backwards and splashing it. I

33:32

could feel its claws

33:35

starting to scratch my body, probably just being nice. And

33:37

I was screaming and trying to go back.

33:40

It was horrible. Then this

33:42

little local boy ran

33:44

in the sea and grabbed it and wrestled

33:47

it under the water. And I was

33:49

out of there. I went straight to my life. Oh, but

33:51

you never

33:52

heard about this. So this is a near-death experience. Yeah. Wait,

33:55

were you in the dog section? Because that's what James said. If you

33:57

will, straight out of your day. I'm clearly

33:59

not.

33:59

I didn't know about the rules, sorry. And

34:06

for those who've listened to the show endlessly

34:09

on a loop, hear a little bit that you will have

34:11

never heard before because it was never in

34:13

the show. This is an unheard bit. I

34:16

actually ran my university, my first year

34:19

university flat as a video shop, so

34:21

my dream kind of came true because people

34:24

would come and borrow my... I actually lost a lot of DVDs.

34:26

I became the person that everyone borrowed DVDs

34:29

from. You borrowed DVDs from me, Alice. I

34:31

became known on campus

34:35

as the DVD guy. Can I just say, I knew

34:37

you and I didn't know that. So you weren't known

34:39

as... Yeah, but you weren't... Okay, you weren't on

34:41

our campus, our accommodation. Oh, so you were in the same

34:43

halls. Yes. And I was in different

34:45

halls. Yeah. Right, fine. So

34:48

yeah, people would come round, they'd browse the shelves. How many did

34:50

you have? Hundreds. I mean, literally

34:52

hundreds. Hundreds. Yeah, yeah. You

34:55

brought hundreds of DVDs to university. Were you not planning on having

34:57

sex? No. I

34:59

was planning on having sex. There's

35:02

a film for every night I'll be studying

35:04

here. I can tell you, even without hundreds of DVDs, it

35:07

doesn't mean you haven't sexed. Yeah, exactly.

35:09

Probably because of the hundreds of DVDs I wasn't having sex.

35:11

Is that Ali McNeil? Goodbye. But

35:13

because he got so burnt at uni, even though I would argue that he was

35:16

buying people's affection by giving them DVDs,

35:18

after that you became very protective of your DVD

35:20

collection and would not actually loan them out. Well,

35:22

they'd start going missing, wouldn't they? You know,

35:25

it was a crime spree. Did

35:27

you sign them out? No, that was my mistake.

35:29

Did you charge or? No, no, no. It

35:32

was my way of making friends to start with, or

35:34

girlfriends in Alice's case. Well,

35:36

hang on. What, you lent people DVDs to

35:38

watch without you? Yeah. And

35:41

that was the way to make friends. I hadn't actually thought of that. Yeah,

35:43

they would take them to go and watch elsewhere. With their

35:45

friends. And I had a lovely big television

35:47

in my room that they could have stayed and... Yeah, but you don't.

35:49

It's not like

35:50

buying a TV from Dixon's, you don't stay in Dixon's

35:53

to watch your massive

35:53

TV, do you? Yeah, you don't stay in HIV

35:55

and

35:55

watch. But then you've got an interaction with them

35:58

when the transaction occurred. I don't know.

35:59

But then if they returned

36:00

it... And never came back. I'm like, none of them are

36:03

friends now. James, they weren't friends then. I

36:07

was used. You were. God, this has turned

36:09

into a really tragic tale actually. I

36:11

was used. Oh my God.

36:13

But your dream came true, which was to

36:15

run a video shop. So... Look

36:18

at me!

36:18

James, it's called show business, not show friends,

36:20

you know. You've got to prioritise

36:22

your enterprise. Did you

36:25

drive a night bus to get friends as well?

36:27

How many of you have arrived at night bus to get friends?

36:30

I drove the night bus to save women. Well,

36:32

this is the thing. Altruism is one thing, but I feel

36:34

like maybe he's a slightly ulterior

36:37

motive as well as being a good person.

36:38

To clarify for those that don't remember, because

36:41

we may have talked

36:41

about it before,

36:42

James drove a minibar

36:44

at night. Yeah. On the hour

36:46

every hour. On the hour every

36:48

hour. He was like clockwork and it was

36:50

exclusively for vulnerable women.

36:52

Alice, I've made a fucking fortune. I know. I

36:54

remember at the time thinking...

36:56

It was like £14 an hour. Bloody

36:58

hell. And this was in... Every hour on

37:00

the hour. So how many hours did you work a day? It'd be

37:02

like 6pm till 6am. And

37:04

I do it like three times a week. I

37:06

can't get over what a money bag, James

37:09

was. And this is the era

37:10

when we most often accused

37:12

him of being tight. He was tight. I

37:14

wasn't tight. That's how we knew was tight, because we

37:16

knew how much you were earning. You're not now, but

37:18

you were then. Did you two have jobs when you were an

37:20

E. Um, no, but I cleaned the local

37:23

nursery school all the way through school. Wait,

37:25

you cleaned the nursery school through school? While

37:27

I was at school. I remember that's how I funded university. Did

37:30

you have a tabard? I

37:32

guess, yeah, maybe. Did you wear a hairnet? I

37:35

didn't wear a hairnet. You had a tabard. It was an honest

37:37

day's work.

37:38

What I don't understand right is because you're absolutely

37:40

right, it's an honest day's work. But Jamie doing

37:42

that. Little Lord Fauntleroy cleaning

37:44

a school.

37:44

It's the tabard I can't get over. Alice,

37:48

Jamie in a tabard. With Velcro size.

37:50

Yeah. Did you have a job at university? I

37:52

did, but only in the holes because I was like... So

37:55

dedicated to the work. Oh shut up. What

37:58

was it? As a waitress. Oh okay. Oh

38:00

my god! Could you

38:03

imagine what a passag wait would be? Imagine

38:05

a sack. How could it go to a menu?

38:08

In a minute. Or,

38:12

they're over there. Yeah,

38:14

so early.

38:15

Oh my god. Yeah, I don't remember

38:17

doing great with tips actually.

38:20

Oh my god. Was this in Leeds

38:22

or in Nottingham? This was in Nottingham. Back

38:24

home, oh right. Can you imagine being able to say you were

38:27

once served by Alex Levine? James,

38:30

you'd never forget it. You'd never forget it? You'd

38:32

be sick of your memory. I had

38:33

an absolute dragon of a boss. And

38:36

I once burnt my hands

38:38

on... Oh, right.

38:42

On a plate.

38:44

And I was taking it from the hatch,

38:47

you know, to the table.

38:49

And it was red hot, and

38:52

they weren't usually

38:52

red hot. And it really hurt my hand. And

38:55

she said, you stupid girl, and she sat me on a stool in the

38:57

kitchen, rubbed oil

38:59

on it, and wrapped it in a teeter.

39:00

Oil? Like to make it even more... She said

39:03

that I'll cool it down. This will make

39:05

it sizzle. Yeah, I was gonna say, we'll serve these. So

39:07

now I think, we should try and discard my

39:09

beautiful hands. Why'd she do that? Oh yeah,

39:11

that is horrible. Did it hurt, wouldn't she? Well,

39:13

it just never

39:14

cooled down because famously oil ain't

39:16

gonna do

39:16

that. It was literally cooking your hands.

39:18

I don't know if she was trying to... It's so weird.

39:21

Really weird. Was it extra virgin

39:23

olive oil? Yeah, I think it was the good stuff. Oh, lovely,

39:26

okay. What was the worst thing that happened, apart

39:28

from getting burnt, which is how every customer felt with you? Actually,

39:32

can we... Right, Jamie and I are the diners.

39:34

Okay. Oh God. We've just seated,

39:37

and you approach the table. Okay. I'm

39:40

gonna go watch it.

39:42

Some water for you. Hello,

39:43

how are you doing? Yeah, some sparkling would be great, thanks. She's

39:47

already getting you a look. That's... Hang

39:50

on, so you just come to the table and slam down some water.

39:53

Yeah. A hello? Welcome to wherever

39:55

we are. To

39:57

be fair, she was actually being quite polite though. I

40:00

thought it was quite good for her. She went like this! Water

40:02

for you.

40:04

Okay, I'm bringing you water without you even

40:06

asking, which I think is a great way to greet

40:08

somebody. I actually want the sparkling.

40:10

Well, then you can order that, sir.

40:12

Wow, I feel like this is the interaction.

40:15

Well

40:17

then you can order that. Sir. Right,

40:20

let's start again, let's start again. See,

40:23

don't even say hello, you just slam the water. I did say hello, I said,

40:25

hi, how are you? I didn't hear that. I was

40:27

talking over it. Oh, okay, let's start again, sorry.

40:30

Afternoon, hello, how are you doing? Yeah, good thanks,

40:32

how are you? Yeah, good thanks, can I get you

40:34

anything to start? I already feel like she's being sassy. Oh

40:37

my God! She likes to scratch

40:39

her eyes, she's like, yeah, good thanks, you give a shit. Anyway.

40:44

I'll get

40:44

you some menus, any drinks to start?

40:46

Yeah, what's

40:48

the house wine, red? We have

40:50

a Monteputiano. Yeah.

40:55

Where'd you pull

40:57

that from? I'll have a Monteputiano. And

40:59

just some sparkling water for the table please, thank you. Absolutely,

41:02

no problem. I think that's very,

41:04

very nice. Yeah. I

41:11

stand there, Alice, I really can't see

41:13

you in hospitality, I'm just gonna say. Okay,

41:16

fine. I think I could step back

41:18

into that job tomorrow. I think you made

41:21

the right choice in your career. Although, lovely spreadsheet

41:23

put on for us today, so that's nice, like. You

41:25

just told me the coffee was undrinkable, but yeah, okay, fine. I

41:28

appreciate the sentiment. Again, what a great

41:30

look back at some of our favourite bits.

41:32

Yeah, you know, as I get older. By the second. And

41:34

time takes its toll, it'll be nice to use

41:37

this as a kind of time capsule. I'm

41:39

doing this as much for me

41:40

as for anyone else. Sorry for laughing. Exactly.

41:44

That's why I take pictures every day now.

41:46

So I can literally, because I literally can't remember

41:48

what I was doing yesterday sometimes. You take pictures every day.

41:51

Well like, yes, so I can look in my camera

41:53

and be like, oh, I did that yesterday, okay. Right,

41:55

okay. Anyway, we've got to go.

41:58

But thanks so much for listening again. Come back next

42:00

month.

42:01

Also, he's never taken a photograph of us doing

42:03

this. This is obviously not the event of his day.

42:05

Doesn't want to remember it. This is being recorded, darling. I'm

42:09

so confused about how you live your life, but sure.

42:12

There isn't time. Yes, in the meantime,

42:14

do get in touch if you have any best

42:16

bits that you want to hear. You can get us on

42:18

Instagram, at my dad rota. Twitter,

42:21

I'm not even going to use the other word. Twitter at

42:23

dadrotaporno, and email us mydadrotapornoatgmail.com.

42:27

And people

42:27

are sharing it. It's like the good old days. It's like it's sitting

42:30

on people's feeds, isn't it? Yeah,

42:31

and like people are leaving nice little reviews

42:33

and things like that. Oh, stop being so cute.

42:36

Liking and subscribing. Oh, is that

42:38

still on? Yeah, people still do that. Oh, for God's sake.

42:40

So you can do all that. We'd love to hear

42:42

from you. It sort of feels like saying set the VCR, doesn't it? It

42:44

feels like such a retro thing to say, like and

42:45

subscribe. Yeah, it does. Did

42:48

we invent that? People

42:51

do say like, give us a review on Apple Podcasts,

42:53

it really helps our visibility. I'm not sure if it's true,

42:55

but people say that, so do that as well, thanks.

42:57

I mean, it's a bit late for that, isn't it? Yeah,

42:59

a little late for all of this, to be honest. Okay,

43:02

we're gonna go. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you

43:04

next month. Bye.

43:13

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