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free, greenlight.com/daddies. Hey

2:05

folks, Freddie here. We've had some of the team,

2:07

myself among them, dealing with some health issues these past

2:09

couple of weeks. Like I think I had COVID for

2:11

a bit. I could still smell

2:13

and taste, but dang, I was tired. Anyway,

2:16

season three will continue on our next episode.

2:18

In the meantime, we want to give you

2:20

a little taste of the incredible time we

2:22

had doing live shows earlier this year on

2:24

the Dungeons and Daddies areas tour. So you're

2:26

about to hear our show in Indianapolis. Now

2:28

theater of the mind is all well and

2:30

good, but if you want theater of the

2:32

eyes, if you want to see us on

2:34

stage, the video of this show is available

2:36

to all Patreon supporters at any level right

2:39

now on our Patreon. There's a few other

2:41

live shows on there as well. So peep

2:43

those as well as a slew of extra

2:45

bonus content, one-shots, main series, you know the

2:47

drill. That's at patreon.com/dungeonsanddads and European listeners, still

2:49

tickets available for the European tour at the

2:51

beginning of October, dungeonsanddads.com/live for more info on

2:53

that. Thanks for listening. Thank you for listening

2:55

to the spiel at the beginning of the

2:57

podcast. Hate it when

2:59

my podcast does spiel at the beginning.

3:02

Anyway, thanks everybody. We'll be back with

3:04

more season three in two weeks. In

3:06

the meantime, enjoy Dungeons and Daddies live

3:09

from Indianapolis. Dungeons and Daddies is a

3:11

rowdy horny violent podcast for grownups. And

3:14

this is a live show. So

3:17

who knows what's gonna happen?

3:20

Yeah. Indianapolis,

3:27

let's hear it. Yeah.

3:34

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the

3:36

stage for the first time, Will

3:39

Campos. He's

3:45

just a cool guy you can toss a ball around with.

3:47

Let's hear it for M Everybody's

3:56

favorite. You already know who I'm talking about. Let's give it

3:58

up one more time. And

4:01

last but not

4:03

least, the most

4:05

electrified DM in

4:07

the Dungeons &

4:10

Dragons game! Let's

4:12

hear it for

4:14

Anthony Burch! I'm

4:23

Freddy Wong and we're here to

4:26

rock your pants off! Using

4:32

the improvised ice mechanics of the game Dungeons

4:35

& Dragons. Hello everybody,

4:37

good evening, Indianapolis! And

4:43

welcome to Dungeons & Daddies Live, the

4:45

areas tour. We've been all put down in the

4:47

Midwest, but what a crowd, what a welcome!

4:50

It's very loud, you are all very loud, you

4:52

know that? My

4:55

name is Freddy Wong, I play Glenn Close,

4:57

the rock and roll bar dad of the

4:59

podcast. Today's

5:04

Glenn fact, you

5:06

see, Glenn is

5:08

a huge Glenn Close

5:10

trio, huge in the Minneapolis,

5:13

indie scene. Sorry,

5:16

the Indianapolis, no

5:18

one heard, no one heard. Huge

5:22

Indianapolis, Indianapolis scene,

5:24

and by that,

5:27

and by that, we mean of

5:30

course the indie scene in Annapolis, Maryland.

5:32

Good save, good save, good save. But you

5:34

know what, but he does know someone

5:37

from Indiana, his weed dealer, this guy

5:39

named Gary Indiana, he's a real sleazeball.

5:43

Real sleazeball, old Gary, you can always trust

5:45

on him to do illegal shit. Hey

5:49

everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, I play Darryl Wilson,

5:51

the stay at home coach dad of the group. I

5:57

gotta be honest, they were saying you guys are loud, but I don't know if

5:59

it's the top. or it's just my age, but honestly, you

6:01

guys, I've been hearing you're the mellowest crowd, and

6:03

I gotta say, it sounds like it. It sounds like it.

6:05

Can you? Yeah. Come on, let's hear it! Let's hear it!

6:08

Come on! There

6:11

you go! Anyways, little

6:13

Darryl Fack, the reason he loves this city is

6:15

because it's nap-down and how mellow you all are.

6:17

It's very nice. Very nice and chill. Nice little

6:19

quiet town. He takes a nap here on road

6:21

trips, and everything closes at 7. It's wonderful.

6:23

Hi, everyone.

6:27

I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak. Whoo!

6:32

Henry's a crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock,

6:34

rockin' hippy nature druid dad.

6:36

Fun fact about... Ooh, okay.

6:38

Yeah. Okay. My

6:41

goodness. My Henry fact this

6:43

week for you all and for you out there

6:45

and for anyone listening at home, there's no one

6:47

listening at home. Nobody. Henry

6:50

is a big, big fan of

6:52

Notre Dame football. Wait

6:56

for me. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. He

7:00

does pronounce it Notre Dame. And

7:04

he does think it's the other type of

7:06

football, like soccer. He's

7:09

a fan of the French national soccer team, is what I'm

7:11

saying. And you might be. Why asking yourself, but wait a

7:13

second. I thought Henry

7:15

canonically hates French people. That's true.

7:17

The only people he hates more are University

7:20

of Michigan. Fuck U of M! Hi,

7:29

my name is Beth May and I play Ron Sampler.

7:37

Emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. Fun

7:40

fact about Ron. Ron's

7:43

favorite place, favorite

7:45

state, favorite area,

7:49

whatever you might call it. Absolutely

7:53

Indiana. Because

7:55

he found out recently that over

7:57

50% of the world is gay. of

8:00

your cropland is porn. Oh.

8:09

He still likes it.

8:11

Hi, I'm Anthony. Hi,

8:17

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, Dad. Hi,

8:20

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi,

8:22

Dad. Hi, Dad. My

8:26

dad's facts for this show is this is the fourth show. This

8:31

is our tour. And

8:33

the previous three sucked ass. They did.

8:37

We really shit the bed. Well,

8:39

it's not so much that we shit the bed. It's the cities

8:41

we were in shit the bed. Tonight

8:43

we are in Indianapolis, Indiana, the greatest city

8:45

in the world. Okay. So we're here

8:47

to play something like Dungeons and Dragons. What

8:53

we are going to do is there are six different modules that

8:55

I have laid out on this table. I prepared these beforehand. And

8:59

we are going to rely on you, the audience,

9:01

and random chance to determine which of these six

9:03

we do. So

9:08

starting with Freddie, if we roll a one, what are we going

9:10

to play? If we roll a one, what are we going to

9:12

play? If we roll a one, we are going to play actual

9:14

D&D. No!

9:24

I knew you were

9:26

a sick fuck, but I had

9:29

no idea. That's

9:31

the first boo we've got other than when we're meant

9:33

to pun. If

9:37

you roll a two, we will be playing Ocean's

9:40

Dad Levin. Yeah,

9:42

that's good. If you

9:44

roll a three, we will be playing

9:47

Jerdassic Park. If

9:52

we roll a four, we will be playing

9:55

Dads Against Humanity. We'll

10:01

be playing the great dad bait. Like debate. Oh!

10:08

It's not just us jerking each other off for

10:10

90 minutes. The great dad ba- no! No,

10:13

no, no, no. Or can we? If

10:17

we roll a six, we will be

10:19

playing called of daddy. Yeah! If

10:23

we get that one, you're getting a whole new Freddy tonight.

10:25

I literally- the entire time it's right in the middle of

10:27

the night. The entire time it's right in the middle of

10:29

the night, this is just for Freddy. There's

10:32

five of us on stage, but it's just gonna be

10:34

Freddy's show. Wait, so is that like a pun of

10:36

Call of the Wild? Call of Duty. Call of Duty.

10:38

Oh! The video

10:40

game. I wish there were more

10:42

wolves on the show. No. So

10:46

in addition to the decision you're about to

10:48

make with the dice, you also have one

10:50

more big job tonight. And that is, any

10:52

time a roll doesn't go the way that

10:54

you wanted it to go, you as a

10:57

hive mind, as a crowd, are all going

10:59

to collectively decide to give

11:01

inspiration to the person who rolled, let

11:03

them roll again, and the way you're

11:05

going to signal that is by altogether

11:07

going, inspiration, inspiration,

11:13

inspiration. Those-

11:17

nope. Nope. Whoever in

11:19

the back. You're out of here. Kick him out. You should be

11:21

happy you're not in- Are you in this university? Because you should

11:23

not be. Just

11:26

three. If any of you make a

11:28

sound for the fourth one, you don't get inspiration. We end

11:30

the show immediately. High

11:32

stakes. Okay. We

11:35

should say you get to do that one time.

11:37

It's only once. One per city and none of

11:39

the other cities have used it well. No.

11:43

But I feel it good. I feel like this is

11:45

going to be the night. Yeah. Hold

11:51

on. Hold on. That's a six. That's

11:53

a six! That's a seven! No,

12:08

you can't take this from Freddy now. You

12:10

would break his heart. I'm still

12:12

gonna pretend it was Call of the Wild.

12:16

Sorry I got to respect Glenn to be a

12:19

tier one operator. Okay,

12:24

so let's see what I... Legion experience, yes.

12:26

And just canonically, where are we in this

12:28

show? Which Call of Duty game does this

12:30

take place in? Has

12:32

Makarov returned? Between Modern

12:35

Warfare 2 and 3, After No Russian, before

12:37

Makarov gets hanged by Captain Price, our favorite

12:39

character in history fiction. Is

12:43

this really quick? Is this a show for 20

12:45

of you now? For

12:51

the militarization of our nation's police forces.

12:56

Okay, you are in

12:59

Walter's Ready Room. Yes!

13:03

Walter! Hey, Walt. I didn't know you had a Ready

13:05

Room. Now he's gotta be ready, baby. Walter,

13:08

why did you not tell me about this earlier? My goodness,

13:10

look at this wall. Look at this

13:12

wall full of custom weapons. We

13:15

could have been using this the whole time, Walter. You

13:17

could have, but they're only for special cases. Like a

13:19

special case I'm gonna send you out on today. Spec

13:21

ops operations, I'm all ears. Give me the mission briefing,

13:23

Walter. Happily. You

13:26

guys are into this, right? I

13:28

mean, I have complex feelings about the

13:30

military-industrial complex, Glenn. What could possibly, what

13:32

feelings could you possibly have? I just

13:35

feel like violence isn't the answer, and

13:38

guns are not the answer either. Paden punches

13:40

you. Paden! This is

13:42

what I'm telling. These

13:44

video games are a bad influence. That's what I'm

13:46

saying. Can we have a teachable moment for

13:48

one second? Oh, I love a teachable moment. Teachable moments are

13:50

the answer, Glenn. Paden, come over here.

13:52

Yes. Can

13:55

you explain to Henry what you were feeling

13:57

and what your behavior was after you had

14:00

that feeling? I feel I felt like you

14:02

saying that violence doesn't solve anything was a

14:04

bitch move. Okay And

14:06

I would just want to make sure you understand

14:08

pain. That's okay feeling to have oh great Cuz

14:11

I have it but then what did

14:13

you do with that feeling? I'd showed him Now

14:16

you know, how would you like it if

14:18

I showed you I would love it bring

14:20

it on Okay,

14:23

I will equalize you Okay,

14:26

you're Okay, baby, you're you're you're you're the

14:28

rest of this teachable bone. Yeah, we're a

14:30

more moment. That's teachable fucking ready to rock

14:32

I'm cock blocked and loaded. Hey Walter. Come

14:34

here. Come here. Come here. What's up? I've

14:37

been told you about the concept

14:39

of violence of action though All

14:41

right So this is a doctrine

14:43

that states that whenever you're facing

14:45

a situation in adverse scenarios Your

14:47

highest percentage likelihood of survival is

14:49

to immediately apply a lot

14:52

of violence Violence

14:55

of action allows you to take command and the initiative

14:58

from the situation and what you did there pay then

15:01

That's exactly what we're talking about. That's the kind of thinking

15:03

that we're gonna need on this mission But then come here

15:05

and takes you away from the group and he goes Pating

15:11

Pating come here buddy. Oh, yeah, go talk

15:13

to Ron. What what is it Ron? Where's

15:15

the wolf man? And who's

15:20

calling I my I know but my

15:22

cell phone isn't ringing all and Glenn

15:29

leans back in his chair and has

15:31

a small notepad to take notes So

15:33

the lights go down takes on this

15:35

wraparound bow lay shades and a lancet

15:37

in nights projecting a satellite image Satellite

15:39

is the name of Walter's dragon photographer

15:41

friend Onto the wall

15:43

of the tent. Oh, that's quite pretty.

15:45

I like that. How fresh is this Intel Walters? But

15:48

I would say 48 hours copy

15:51

48 hours about three clicks in here Roger

15:53

that copy Am I supposed to be taking

15:55

notes like like when yes, everyone should be

16:00

No, I'll take notes. You're

16:02

familiar with Faerun's most wanted

16:04

list, correct? No, let's pretend

16:06

we aren't. Well, it's pretty self-explanatory. There's a

16:08

lot of people that are wanted in Faerun.

16:10

What? Most wanted? Not like that, Ron.

16:15

But hey, if there was one like that, you'd be on the

16:17

top of it for me. Oh,

16:19

yeah, they're horny for the

16:21

Ronster. Wanted sexually, of course.

16:23

No, no, no, no, no,

16:25

no, no, no, maybe. So

16:30

Intel suggests, Intel is my ogre

16:32

friend, that state enemy number one

16:34

has just come out of hiding.

16:37

His name is, or their

16:39

name is. Tattoos. What's

16:42

your name? Romine. Their

16:45

name is, what are your pronouns? Pinae.

16:50

They're a piece of shit. Romine

16:54

is enemy number one. Last

16:58

time he surfaced, he detonated a fireball in the

17:00

center of a crowded village, and he's planning something

17:03

even bigger this time. Intel told

17:05

me he's got hostages. We haven't

17:07

received a ransom, so who knows what he wants them

17:09

for? We've got a hostage operation, and we don't have

17:12

any intel in terms of what the demands are. It's

17:14

a dark mission. You're sending us in, dark. I'm

17:16

sorry, but you're the best. If anybody can do it,

17:19

it's you. What's the mission objective? Your

17:21

mission is to infiltrate Romine's base,

17:23

free the hostages, and eliminate Romine.

17:25

These hostages, what do we know

17:27

about them? They're

17:30

innocent? Walter,

17:33

really quick, how do you know

17:35

all this? Yeah, Walter, what is your

17:37

role here? My friend, Intel, he's an ogre. He

17:39

goes around, he's a snitch. He just goes around

17:41

seeing what's going on. And he

17:43

tells me, because I like to listen to tea. And

17:46

for Romine, when you say eliminate, you mean? You mean? OK.

17:51

Yeah, OK. I mean, that

17:53

could be, I actually, yeah, it's kill them. Yeah,

17:55

it's not going to be a real good time to teach them

17:58

what's our objective order. What's our objective order? Your objective order is

18:00

to. Hostages first then deal with me all right Sorry,

18:07

what we can say the order is important Well,

18:11

no, I was just you know, I'm just here to listen

18:13

and observe and And

18:15

you know, I consider myself a bit of a

18:17

conscientious objector on the violence I could be a

18:19

war photographer that way to take cool pictures of

18:21

us doing oh, I love that Do

18:24

we have yeah, I'm gonna be your war photographer and

18:26

then you know, yeah Can we assign Henry a like

18:28

a small elf to draw pictures of our yeah That's

18:30

great. Let me get a camera and he goes to

18:32

the the wall and picks out a box with a

18:34

small goblin in it with a bunch of paint And

18:40

the truth goblin the truth

18:43

a tear rolls down the goblins I Where

18:51

was I okay, yeah, hold on I get

18:53

some high-speed paper and paint for the goblin

18:55

to paint on How

18:59

come Henry gets a special job and

19:01

I'm just supposed to worry about not

19:03

killing hostages, which my special job You

19:05

were never special job. What? Yeah, what

19:07

is it? What if you

19:10

were the hostage negotiator? Given

19:16

that our primary objective is hostage rescue we

19:18

will try and go in soft But

19:21

as always I'll be ready to go loud at any

19:23

moment Daryl. What position are you taking on the fire?

19:25

I mean Walter do you have it sounds like you're

19:27

giving up positions. Do I get one? Yeah.

19:29

Yeah, I think you are the

19:31

heart Wow,

19:35

okay That's

19:37

pretty cool. Just militarily. What is that

19:39

militarily you're in charge? Let

19:45

I know you want to be in charge but you

19:47

work best as a lone wolf bucking against authority Oh

19:55

My your code name will be Balto

19:57

Balto Roger Co are we doing code?

20:00

I'm callsign Balto, Roger that, making

20:02

a note of it. I'll be

20:04

Balto. Ron, your code name is

20:06

Anastasia. Okay. Anastasia. Got it, got

20:08

it. Daryl, your code name is

20:10

Henry. Okay. Okay. Wait,

20:13

and sorry, I'm Henry and then Glenn was

20:15

what? Glenn is Balto. And then

20:17

who am I? You are the Fox from Robin Hood.

20:20

Fox from Robin Hood. Okay. I

20:22

can handle that, believe me. And

20:25

Peyton. Ding,

20:27

shove it. Ding, shove it. Ding,

20:29

shove it. It's a Rainbow Six for the

20:31

five people that have read Rainbow Six in the audience. Hey,

20:35

Glenn. Glenn, it seems like you know the most of what

20:37

you're doing, but I've been made in charge. So I got

20:39

to ask, does it help if I like tell you the

20:41

opposite of what you want to do and then you like

20:43

fight me for it? Does that get you like, does that

20:45

pump you up? Yeah, I think I'm

20:47

going to need you to give mission commands, but

20:49

I need you to know right now that the

20:51

end of the day when push comes to shove

20:54

and I have a perp in my crosshairs. Go

20:56

or no, go. I'm getting the mission done.

20:58

God damn it, Balto. You're such a fucking

21:00

live wire. This

21:05

is what I want. This is what I'm talking

21:07

about. Whatever you do, don't pull a trigger till

21:09

I say you can. You're going to have to

21:11

wrap your fingers around my

21:13

fingers. Stop me from pushing. I'll try that again

21:15

now. So you want to speak. You want to

21:17

speak. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Stop

21:20

me from firing. Give

21:22

me that gun. No. Give me that gun. Guys,

21:25

guys. Actually, actually really quick time out. Time out, Glenn.

21:27

Can I see the gun though? Oh,

21:29

yeah. Yeah. What do you think? My only gun.

21:31

It's just all right. You can either take a

21:33

flash bang, a reaching charge or that assault right.

21:35

I'm going to need a flash bang in case

21:37

I want to do flash photography. So I'll take

21:39

that. Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good

21:41

idea. Well, I'll just give you all three. Why

21:43

am I making you choose? I think we're going

21:45

to Fox from a really quick Henry. The

21:49

Fox from Robin Hood reporting in. It's

21:51

pretty hard to say. Can I just call you Fox

21:54

Foxy? Yes, you may. All right, Foxy.

21:57

All right. Henry. Who

22:00

Henry? Yes. Yeah Sorry,

22:04

I don't listen to fucking idiots God

22:08

damn it. That's why you're my team leader What

22:11

do you want Balto? Balto requests

22:14

in the third person humbly

22:16

be the the gun Could

22:20

I have the gun? Actually

22:22

believe it or not. That's how SEAL team six does it they

22:25

go around and everyone gets their first You

22:28

can have the gun but not because I like you

22:30

or because I respect you Okay, you're

22:32

the best goddamn shooter. We got of

22:34

guns you Don't

22:38

expect you are so good at guns

22:40

compared to all of us. This

22:42

is what you want to see from a junction daddy, right? Alright

22:48

Walter loaded well and What is the right

22:50

direction? Yeah, if they spot you there's a

22:52

good chance. They'll try to kill the hostages

22:55

Try to be silent and deadly. Oh, that's okay mission

22:57

guys. Do you think we're the sorry? I'm not a

22:59

timeout again. Do you think we're the best ones to

23:02

do this then? I I think we're

23:04

the best I think we're the best team in

23:06

the whole world. Okay. I think there's nothing we

23:08

can't do together Yeah, that's Asia. That's why you're

23:10

the heart. Well, I'm not there

23:12

shit. Who's the heart? You're the heart Heart

23:16

and the leader. All right, we can do it brings

23:19

Okay, Ron. I'm pretty sure they said you

23:21

were the hostage negotiator. Yeah, that's the brain

23:24

Negotiate. Yeah, and can

23:27

I have a big phone to a phone?

23:31

Well, how am I gonna negotiate? Oh,

23:34

I can't talk to roll Romine

23:36

the bird Romine Yeah,

23:39

Romine the perp Romine

23:42

Romine Romine I'm

23:45

gonna write it phonetically. I don't know why I said that in

23:47

Ron voice It's

23:50

a very cool name and I'm sorry we're getting it wrong so

23:52

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28:09

Okay, one ride on satellite the

28:11

dragon. Where's his phone? Well,

28:13

gosh, here, my team has for one simple

28:16

piece of equipment. He gives

28:18

you two cans with an infinite

28:20

amount of string between them. Here

28:23

you go Anastasia. You

28:25

could also use it as a garat. Hayden,

28:27

I think this is your job. I

28:29

handed the other side of the I handed the

28:31

other side. Yeah, comms officer. Roger.

28:35

Nice. Wait, who's Roger? Is

28:37

Roger. Okay, Roger, Roger. I

28:42

got your codename down. Daryl Henry. I

28:45

know that we may not be the best. Who's Daryl? Henry

28:48

and Fox. Yes. That's the last

28:50

time you call me my goddamn wrong name.

28:52

You hear me when we when the mission

28:54

when mission timer is at zero, we switch

28:56

completely the codenames. I understood Roger Wilco. However,

28:58

I just need to say oftentimes is

29:00

not up to us when the call of duty calls.

29:02

It is up to us to answer it is that

29:05

we may not be the best, but we're the ones

29:07

here. God damn it. We got to do

29:09

our best. Can I work make a request? I think it'd be nice

29:11

if we all did a group picture before we went. Oh,

29:13

yeah. You're the photograph. Let's all

29:15

scooch in. Let's all scooch in. Okay. All

29:18

right. Glenn, Glenn, get over here. It's

29:20

good. Okay, so yeah, you

29:22

know your phone, right? Yeah. I

29:25

have this guy with my little goblin friend to do that, but yeah. Okay,

29:27

so yeah, I am actually the goblin and

29:31

let's see here. Oh, timer.

29:34

Oh, I got a selfie mode

29:36

and I look really good. Yeah.

29:38

Okay, great. Well, there we

29:40

go. We're going to do a little picture of

29:42

us getting the selfie and

29:44

then this photograph and

29:46

then yeah, and then this photograph like all

29:48

photographs of your one operator. Oh, sorry, Ron. Sorry,

29:52

Ron. Sorry. I can't let

29:55

my civy life interfere with my professional duties.

29:57

We'll just crop you out, Glenn. And

30:00

then maybe at the end of the mission, like if

30:02

the photo will kind of fade in black and white

30:04

and anyone who died will be like, well that was

30:06

sad, we'll remember him. Wow, that's a great photo, Henry.

30:08

It's a bad look on the op. I hand the

30:11

photos over to Pei and I whisper, I go, dispose

30:13

of these immediately. Nobody can know

30:15

what this mission is. Roger. Okay.

30:18

Okay. Let's get going. So, one

30:20

satellite ride later, you're at the AO. Hold

30:23

on, I wanna just mark, everyone mark that my

30:25

weapon is in condition one. Thank

30:28

you. The AO is a

30:30

former metal foundry. It's anvil silent and it's

30:33

pools of molten metal cooled into hard iron.

30:35

Somewhere within its- Do they have like a

30:37

folk rock foundry? A

30:40

lot of basket weaving. Jesus

30:43

Christ. Somewhere

30:47

within its rusted walls lie a handful

30:49

of hostages and the man who,

30:51

or sorry, and the person who kidnapped them. Who's holding

30:53

the hostages? Romes. to

30:55

the mission briefing? He said a handful is a joke

30:58

about a giant or something. Is

31:00

a handful of hostages. Oh, I like that. I

31:03

get it, I get it. Do with that as you will. You have

31:05

disadvantage for your next role. God damn. From

31:09

the outside, you can see two guards posted either

31:12

end of the foundry's entrance, about 50 feet apart.

31:14

Behind the foundry is an exhaust vent, but there's a

31:16

50 foot moat separating you from the vent and there

31:19

are security cameras watching the vent. How are you gonna

31:21

get inside? I always set it for a halo drop.

31:23

I think we're on the ground. Glenn? Oh,

31:26

we're just on the ground now. Big ball to.

31:28

You dropping boys. Well,

31:33

actually, we're on the ground

31:35

already. Oh, okay. Yeah, well, that was gonna

31:37

be our way in. All right, we're on

31:39

the outskirts of it. I searched for like

31:41

beautiful images that might convey like how crazy

31:43

war is. Do I find anything? Go ahead

31:46

and roll investigation. I got a six plus.

31:51

I got a six. You

31:56

almost see a beautiful sunset cresting over

31:58

the horizon. but

32:00

then Peyton gets in front of your camera and does like a gang

32:02

sign. Mm. Are

32:05

these soldiers standing, like, are they moving

32:07

at all? What's their patrol pattern?

32:09

They are patrolling back and forth. OK. Here's

32:11

what we're going to do. And how

32:13

do we know that they're really soldiers

32:16

and not hostages in disguise? Oh. That's

32:19

right. This could be a ruse. We don't know. We

32:22

have no intel about Romine. Just like in that movie

32:24

with the guy and the clown man. I do feel-

32:26

Do you remember? I hear you. I

32:28

do feel- He thought that

32:30

there was the guy with the cape in the

32:32

pointy ears, and there was a clown man. And

32:35

he wanted to rescue the hostages. And then

32:37

the clown man taped their arm with guns.

32:40

I feel fairly confident that the two

32:42

people walking with guns are

32:44

completely free. On the outside. On the outside.

32:46

They're not hostages. That's a good point. We

32:48

should probably send either anesthesia or Roger in

32:54

stealthily to try and if we can get any

32:56

intel. Who's talking? Is that the leader of

32:58

the team talking? No. I think that's the- I

33:01

think- I think

33:03

that's my fucking tool that's waiting to

33:06

be used when I need

33:08

it to be used. Now

33:10

if you weren't- If you fucking weren't yapping

33:12

your mouth, you'd fucking have heard the thunderstorm

33:14

up ahead. And that's making a big loud

33:16

boom every 10 seconds. And if you watch

33:18

some crossing- Every big loud boom every 10

33:21

seconds. Oh, yes. In the- in

33:23

the- in the bedroom. Fuck yeah, Ron. I put

33:25

my fist out for that. Hey,

33:27

Balto, try to be more like Ron, okay? I

33:29

ain't a stage I mean. You're a second, Balto.

33:33

Now these two- Would you like that back?

33:35

Now these- now these two cards, they're crossing every 14

33:37

seconds. That means within- I can't

33:40

do math. 96 seconds. They will cross

33:42

in front of each other and you could take them

33:45

out with one bullet at the exact second that that

33:47

thunderstorm makes a big boom. You

33:49

hear that, Anthony? So should we- I agree with that.

33:51

Nice. But

33:53

should we like, you know, ask if they're hostages

33:56

first? How about that we

33:58

do this? Okay. The moment they cross in- I

34:00

will go, I will say Anastasia, and you

34:02

yell, are you hostages? And then when they turn

34:04

towards our direction, you will

34:06

wait until they answer. You

34:09

hear that, Balto? Now I'm

34:11

putting a lot of trust in your hands. You're gonna

34:13

have to read the expression of those

34:15

two people's faces. And if they look like

34:17

hostages, you abort the shot. But

34:19

if they don't look like hostages, you pull

34:21

that trigger. The moment, the moment you hear

34:23

the thunder. So

34:25

let me just be

34:27

clear. Team Leader.

34:31

Team Leader, I'd like to clarify. So

34:33

Judge, you've talked so long, we're gonna have to wait another

34:35

96 seconds. Keep going. Based

34:38

on their expression. From

34:41

here, 250 yards away. Unaided

34:45

by optics. Wait, wait, wait.

34:49

I'm training this. I'll be able to read

34:51

their expression as clearly as I read it,

34:53

and I can read books. I

34:56

like that. You're the hostage negotiator. Can I help? Can I

34:58

help? Oh yeah, you're gonna take a picture of everything that

35:00

happens. That's

35:03

what you, of all of us, you got what you

35:05

wanted. You literally asked for that. Yeah,

35:07

he doesn't have a point. Team Leader does have a point there. All

35:10

right, so yes, let's just clarify. Anastasia, good

35:12

idea. Here's what we're gonna do. When

35:15

I say Anastasia, you're gonna look, and you're gonna

35:17

tell Ron, you're gonna tell Balto. Either

35:20

pull the trigger or abort. Okay. Roger,

35:23

on your go, and then I get into it. 14

35:25

seconds, shut the fuck up. Aim out. Okay,

35:29

so let me know when I'm there. Let me know when

35:31

I'm right in front of him, okay? Five, four,

35:34

three, two, one. Anastasia,

35:37

what do you look like? Okay. Are

35:39

you hostages? Hang on. If

35:43

the two of you blink twice

35:45

in a 15-second period, I

35:47

will know that you're in danger, and

35:50

you're actually hostages, and you don't mean to

35:52

be holding those guns. Somebody just handed them

35:54

to you, and sometimes you're holding things, and

35:57

they get heavy, and you want to put

35:59

them down. So maybe you want to put him down

36:01

on my head. See, we're going to miss the window. It's

36:03

OK. It's OK. Ron,

36:05

Ron, Asasia, you got to keep talking for another

36:07

92 seconds. Just keep talking. It's

36:11

OK. Just wait for the mission clock. It's a go. Mission

36:13

clock is a go. I'll tell you. You

36:15

have to have another 92 seconds. 92 seconds is a go. Now,

36:19

Peyton, get over here. Give

36:21

me one of those cups. OK,

36:23

you walk over to Asasia and you tell me what Ron says. OK.

36:31

Ron, you got 40 seconds to decide whether

36:33

or not they're hostages. No, Ron, actually, team

36:35

leader, we're only 15 seconds in. OK, so

36:37

I think they, I think, yeah, I think,

36:39

I think, I think maybe, I think, well,

36:41

he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

36:45

But put the cup to his ear. Put the cup to his ear. 30

36:48

seconds. Anastasia. Ron. They're

36:50

not hostages. Take the shot. The shot. Wait,

36:53

wait, three, two, one. No, no, no, I

36:55

have another 60 more seconds before they light

36:57

up. 60 more seconds. Would you like a

36:59

picture? Oh,

37:03

yeah, good idea. Good idea, Henry.

37:05

I'm a bit of a shutter bug myself. And

37:07

this is my goblin, Ansel Adams.

37:10

And 40 seconds. 30 seconds. He likes to get

37:12

pictures of you right here. And just while I've got

37:14

you here, are you two hostages? Oh, I hope it's

37:17

in some. Goblin, it's in that selfie mode. Hold on.

37:19

It's in that third. The goblin's facing the wrong way.

37:21

All right, there we go. There we go. Then we

37:23

flip it around. Oh, there we go. The other one

37:25

on the right. So there we go. To the one

37:27

on the left. It's an overlap from my POV. 20

37:29

seconds. And there's some more people

37:31

behind you. Isn't that neat? Well, you know, I

37:33

just want to say like, so I'm kind of,

37:35

I guess I am on Instagram at

37:38

Henry Oaks fun photography. You got to move Henry.

37:40

Henry's in the shot. Henry, you're in need. Move

37:42

Henry. We have to move Henry. We have to

37:44

move Henry. We have to move Henry. We have

37:46

to move Henry. We have to move Henry. We

37:48

have to move Henry. Are you hostages? Move out

37:50

of the way, Henry. One. I take the shot.

37:52

Big Ba-dum-dum- Everything

38:01

goes into slow motion as what are

38:03

you rolling for? Okay,

38:11

all right, we'll both roll this in of you for pushing

38:13

out of the way and then me for the shot ready

38:15

three two one go I

38:23

heard people but this is clockwork That's exactly

38:25

the hop went off without a hitch right?

38:27

Yeah, the bullet goes straight through the heads

38:29

of the two not hostages Nice

38:31

you two. What are your names? Rylan

38:35

and Ashley get fucking headshot. They

38:38

go fucking down Henry

38:43

Henry's two tangos Henry

38:46

sees both their heads explode and then sees

38:48

at the same moment goblin Producing this beautiful

38:50

picture of these two people and literally the

38:52

last second of their life And

38:55

I'm like my god Darryl my god, I mean

38:58

Henry my god Henry What have you done Henry

39:00

but not you Henry Foxy my god, who am

39:02

I? I just it's like

39:04

my art was to bring the world together and

39:06

show how crazy this war is But art itself

39:08

has become a tool of the war Foxy

39:11

don't let anybody tell you what he does not born

39:13

you hold on to that picture and you make sure

39:15

future Generations doesn't have to do what we just did

39:19

Okay team leader I will all right I want

39:22

call I Want

39:24

to call Intel ogre I want to call the

39:27

ogre that is Intel Yes,

39:29

Intel Update

39:32

two bogeys down. Oh, yeah

39:36

And the Intel on how many bogeys are left Roll

39:42

Didn't say what dice he's roll a d4 roll

39:44

d4 do now get why would you want a

39:46

lower number? I Said

39:50

17 Intel whatever that means for you Intel

39:53

saw five

39:55

guards plus one

39:58

guard plus three guards 14 guards.

40:03

Okay, Glenn. Sorry. We

40:07

got 12 more guards. Roger

40:09

that. 2-10 goes down. Moving in to

40:11

AO. We are Oscar Mike.

40:15

Who's Oscar? We are Oscar Mike November.

40:18

No, you're... Wait,

40:20

who's Oscar? Who's on first? I'm

40:22

gonna say him a name. Oscar! Oscar.

40:26

Our good friend Oscar. Oscar the Italian waiter

40:28

comes out of the bushes. Oscar

40:30

Bonjorno! Bonjorno! I've been lost.

40:32

What are you guys doing here? What are

40:34

you doing here? Get low, get low. What

40:37

are you doing here? Walter told us explicitly that

40:39

we're gonna have the best sniper in the world

40:41

here. That's a me.

40:47

Nobody shoot him good like Oscar. Last time we saw

40:49

you, you said you were never gonna shoot another human

40:51

being. Yeah, I saw the key, guys. Cooking Italian food.

40:54

Yeah. You're coming out of Italian

40:56

food retirement? I am. Well,

40:58

well... Oscar, no, let me

41:01

tell you, having sacrificed my art for

41:03

war, don't let anyone turn those breadsticks

41:05

into bullets, my friend. That's right. Oscar,

41:08

come here. I need to talk to you. Yes. We

41:10

could use your help, but I don't think I

41:12

could lose... I don't think I could have the

41:14

weight of another man's soul on my shoulder, so

41:16

I need you to go. Go back and cook

41:18

food. But Oscar, remember, you're always in here, and

41:20

when you're in here, you're family. I'm a family.

41:25

Oscar turns around on his heel and goes back into the world.

41:27

Hey, Oscar, do you mind if I walk you out? Yeah,

41:29

go ahead. Do you guys mind if I talk to Oscar

41:31

real quick? What are you gonna do? Mission clock is going.

41:33

I just... I was hoping

41:35

to... I just want a little recipe advice

41:37

on a lasagna for... I could cook for

41:39

Carol when I get back. Do

41:42

you mind? Yeah, sure, sure. Do you do a good lasagna?

41:44

Tell me over here. Okay,

41:47

I take him behind a tree and I slap him. I go,

41:50

you listen here. You

41:52

listen here. I don't

41:54

want anybody to know what I'm gonna do. Goddamn

41:57

it, my role as a leader is to take the sins

41:59

of my fucking... team on my shoulders, you understand? So

42:01

here's what I need you to do. You

42:04

keep walking, but the moment you get out of

42:06

our eyesight, you go around the perimeter, you fucking

42:08

headshot every single individual you see. Yeah. Oscar

42:15

quickly flashes back to the last

42:17

time he fired a bullet, and

42:20

it went through an entire orphanage. And he hit it

42:22

like a kid. Like an

42:24

evil orphanage, though. Oh, yeah. A

42:27

really cute one. But

42:29

a tear rolls down his cheek as he

42:31

remembers his call to duty, his call to

42:34

honor, and that he needs to always be

42:36

his Medal of Honor, his call of duty,

42:38

his Medal of Honor, ally of assault, his

42:40

battlefield And

42:43

he looks at you, and a tear

42:45

rolls down his cheek, and he says, that's a spicy meatball.

42:49

And he's gone. Hey,

42:53

where'd my gun go? Hey,

42:56

I don't have a weapon. Team leader, I no longer have a weapon.

42:58

Those two people that just died,

43:01

you could have their guns. Oh, yes,

43:03

I did. Two guns. I

43:06

would like to acquire. I

43:09

would like to acquire. Ronnie, here's the

43:11

other gun. Sorry, Anastasia, you got the other

43:13

gun? I got the other gun. If

43:15

only I knew which end was which.

43:18

Oh, god. Can

43:20

I have the gun? Absolutely not, baby.

43:22

Never an emitter. It was worth a shot.

43:25

Worth a shot. That's

43:28

why you're my favorite. Hey, hold on. Baby,

43:32

baby, baby, baby. No

43:36

one can touch what we have. OK,

43:39

so in front of you is the door into the foundry.

43:41

What would you like to do? Knock over the main door.

43:43

I open it. Oh! So

43:46

Ron, so. Well, I didn't know I think that

43:48

was going to happen. So Anastasia opens

43:50

the door, and immediately you can hear. Three

43:54

gunshots from Oscar. Roll.

44:00

What am I

44:02

rolling? Dice. I got a dime. So you see a

44:04

laser sight. So to your right,

44:17

Anastasia, you see three guards. There's a

44:19

doorway that's open and three guards are

44:21

standing there just shooting the shit drinking

44:23

coffee. And a laser sight comes in,

44:25

but it's quivering. And you know that where

44:27

Oscar is, he's just thinking about that orphanage full of all

44:29

those cute kids. And he does know

44:32

if he has what it takes to pull the trigger. I knew he

44:34

lost his goddamn nerve. Sounds

44:37

like somebody needs to be negotiated.

44:40

All three guards turn to look at you. Go

44:42

Anastasia, you got this. Oh, I was gonna

44:45

negotiate Oscar. Well, thank God

44:47

you're shooting the shit and not shooting me.

44:49

Am I right, boys? So I feel like they

44:58

raised their guns at you.

45:00

Yeah, raise them up. You're gonna have

45:03

to go pretty high because I'm a

45:05

tall, fertile man. Roll to see how tall

45:07

you are. 18. Ron doesn't have to lie and say

45:13

that he's

45:20

six foot when he's actually five 11 Ron is actually six.

45:22

Well, Ron is canonically five four,

45:24

but he's wearing a little bit

45:27

of lip. He's been doing he's

45:29

been doing an as seen on

45:31

TV neck exercise. And so he's

45:33

just got a pretty long neck.

45:35

And, and so yes, he cuts

45:38

quite the figure. So what

45:42

would you so these guys have raised their guns at you

45:44

and they're looking up in awe at how tall you are.

45:48

What would you like? I like

45:50

put a finger on one of the guns

45:52

and lower it like that Michael Jackson. Roll

46:01

persuasion. Wait. Oh fuck me. What

46:04

are you doing? I'm

46:06

gonna loosen it and then do what I just did but it's gonna

46:08

be funny because it's just gonna be like... So

46:10

this is the gun, right? Ron comes

46:12

up and he's like... LAUGHTER

46:20

LAUGHTER Goddamn.

46:24

Roll persuasion. Okay.

46:29

I got a nine.

46:31

Careful. This is

46:33

the only one you get! CROWD CHANT CROWD

46:36

CHANT CROWD CHANT

46:41

You are expelled. LAUGHTER Alright,

46:44

go for it. I got

46:47

a twelve. Aye! Plus,

46:49

plus, plus... Oh shit, no, I'm

46:51

gonna play. Persuasion.

46:54

Persuasion. Plus

46:56

zero. Can Henry

46:59

assist? Yes, how would Henry assist?

47:02

Henry is going to assist by taking a photo

47:04

of Ron and making it look

47:06

like Ron's a big deal. Like I'm Ron's personal

47:08

photographer. Like a paparazzi. Yeah,

47:10

we're gonna do a YouTube thumbnail react

47:13

photo. LAUGHTER

47:16

To make this... The

47:18

head, like, the eyes are way bigger for

47:20

some reason. I don't believe how tall this

47:22

guy is. LAUGHTER Okay,

47:24

roll for that. Roll for four. Oh.

47:30

What did you get, Will? That would be

47:33

a four. LAUGHTER So

47:35

once again, you have the perfect shot framed.

47:38

Ron's there, tall in his resplendent glory. He's

47:41

flanked by three guards, all pointing guns at him. It

47:43

looks like a fucking movie poster. And then

47:45

Peyton gets in front of the camera, doesn't look good. Peyton,

47:47

get out of here! What?

47:49

I gotta increase my brand. Okay,

47:53

so 12 is... It's

47:55

pretty good, yeah. LAUGHTER

47:58

The guy who you did that to? He will

48:00

keep his gun lowered, but the other two keep theirs raised

48:02

up and they go, who the fuck are you? Who

48:06

the fuck am I? Oh

48:08

man. You think you

48:10

control guns? You

48:13

can't even control

48:16

yourselves when you hear what comes out

48:18

of my fucking mouth

48:20

next. I

48:22

lean over to Balto and I

48:24

whisper, I go, time to fly

48:26

Balto. They're

48:29

distracted. Unload. You took

48:31

my gun and gave it to the stallion. You grabbed two

48:33

guns, you just grabbed two. You're right. So

48:38

Balto steps in, slices

48:40

the pie perfectly. It's

48:43

like in the slow motion. Wait, wait, flashbang, flash,

48:45

any flash, any flashbang. Oh yeah, I got that.

48:47

That's mine. I got it. And

48:49

I throw my flashbang. Okay, go ahead and roll for that. Now

48:55

when you say roll, what do I add to

48:59

that? Pain gets the way, does the gang

49:01

sign, bounces back at you. The flashbang?

49:03

Yeah. Okay, what happens? You

49:06

get flashed, so you're completely dazed. A very loud noise

49:08

just gone off. Oh, we get flashed. Good for you,

49:10

man. Good for you. Okay,

49:14

so now everybody except for Ron. And

49:17

then bang, right? Talk about the bang,

49:19

Anthony. There's

49:21

a bang. There's a very, very

49:23

loud bang that deafens and blinds. Everybody

49:26

except for Ron. Well, I'm

49:28

probably Balto. Balto's running forward. Wait,

49:31

does that mean my little goblin in the camera is blind

49:33

too? The

49:36

only thing, Daryl's not blind. The only thing he sees is

49:38

all the ghosts of the people he's killing. I

49:43

think Balto gets hit by this on the way in,

49:45

so he's like slicing the pie perfectly. And

49:49

it's just shooting indiscriminately. Okay, so give me

49:51

a disadvantage to tack roll. The

49:55

first roll was a good one. That

49:58

was a two. The second roll is a 15. Okay,

50:01

so you definitely shoot Ron in the back. Oh,

50:03

no! No! You get

50:06

hit in the left shoulder blade in a cool part.

50:08

And you go down, but you're not dead. What?

50:11

Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Whatcha doing? Whatcha doing?

50:13

Whatcha doing? Medic!

50:18

Medic! Medic! Ron!

50:21

Oh, that's right! We can do spells! I cast

50:24

Cure Wounds on the bullet. On the bullet? I

50:26

mean, I'm not on the bullet. You know what I

50:28

mean. I cast Cure Wounds on Ron. Okay, well say

50:30

that cancels out whatever damage he was about to take.

50:32

It'll save us the trouble of rolling for damage. Okay,

50:34

but do I hit the, uh, the, the, the bad

50:36

guy? You got a two. You got two. You

50:39

only hit Ron. Oh, okay.

50:42

So, okay, so those guys are gonna go down. So

50:44

they are blind as well, actually. Okay.

50:46

So while you're all blind, you have one turn of action

50:48

before everybody gets not blind again, and they are just

50:50

gonna start shooting. Ron, I think now's a

50:52

good time to negotiate. We're all blind. Uh,

50:55

yeah, and who am I negotiating with? The three guys in

50:57

front of us. Oh, the three guys I was already talking

50:59

to. Okay, okay, okay. You

51:02

think you know about gun control? You already

51:04

tried that angle. You can control your

51:06

emotion. Okay, um... Ask what they want.

51:10

What do you want? Because

51:13

I want you for the,

51:16

um, war effort, right? Oh, yeah. You

51:18

just sound more confident when you say

51:21

it. Uh-uh. So

51:23

it sounds real. Looks like

51:25

you're soldier in need of an army.

51:27

Oh, that's good. Roll

51:30

persuasion. Roll persuasion.

51:32

Okay. I'd like to also give

51:34

bardic inspiration by just screaming like, you

51:37

got it, you have to, I can't see anything wrong, you're gonna

51:39

need to do this yourself. Oh,

51:41

16. Okay. Okay.

51:43

Uh, everybody's vision clears, you can hear again.

51:45

The three guys lower their guns to go,

51:48

I mean, we're part of an army, we're guarding

51:50

this place, but... Do you get cool code names in that army? Yeah,

51:53

I don't know, what's your code name, man?

51:55

What's your code name? I don't have a...

51:57

Do any of you have passions, dreams? that

52:00

you'd rather be doing than killing people? Killing

52:03

people was my dream. That's why I joined the... Ah.

52:05

Oh, bad guy. What if you could have a

52:07

cool code name while killing people? Shit,

52:10

that sounds good. You can have that

52:12

and more if you joined us. Are you sure

52:14

you didn't like, you know, you wanted something, you

52:17

know, beautiful, like you were into

52:19

poetry? Have you ever made a headshot at 3.5 km?

52:23

That means kilometers. That's

52:25

beautiful. Hey, Henry, I

52:27

think this guy's pretty good. You should join the team. Foxy,

52:30

Foxy. I pull out and I'm like, allow

52:33

me to show you... He's got a gun! I

52:37

draw an iPod

52:39

from 1999 and

52:42

on this iPod is one song and

52:45

it's Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Oh,

52:47

yeah. Hey,

52:49

Pat, do you... Excuse me, Foxy, I'm

52:52

the hostage negotiator here. Do you want

52:54

to listen to Ron? Yeah,

52:57

so... Ahem. Well,

53:00

I've been afraid of

53:02

changing. Cuz

53:05

I... Star

53:08

swing, guys, all star swing. But that

53:10

makes you bolder. If you're

53:12

all right, you're all bolder. It was crazy, they

53:14

were all fucking each other when they wrote that.

53:20

So the guards just give up on

53:22

violence. Okay. You see, gentlemen, this is

53:24

what I'm talking about. We

53:26

don't need to use toxic masculinity

53:28

in violence. I'm a woman. Oh,

53:32

shit, my bad. Sorry,

53:34

I didn't know there was a bra out here. Okay,

53:38

that's good. No, hey, we don't want to

53:40

do war anymore, I guess, so they snap their guns

53:42

over their knees. Oh, no, you don't need to... Okay.

53:45

So their guns are gone now, but you cleared out that

53:47

room and they just leave. Okay. And

53:49

it means that you hear three shots from

53:52

outside. Oh, no! And

53:55

you hear, bam, they're bam, they're just... And

53:58

they fucking go down. Dungeons

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and Dies is brought to you this week by Shopify.

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slash ACAST. guys

57:38

looks like Oscars got it back in and

57:40

we could just sit here and let him

57:42

finish off the rest of the squad yeah

57:44

listen until we hear seven more pops it's

57:48

like a it's like an interior facility doesn't have vision

57:50

on the door's open we figure out a

57:52

way to get all the bad guys

57:54

to the window oh wait wait yeah that's

57:56

right we make too much noise oh my

57:59

gosh would have we pretend to be hostages

58:01

that they haven't round up yet. And then they'll

58:03

all come try to round us up like little

58:05

sheep. And then we're gonna

58:07

be like bad guys,

58:10

bad guys over there. And then an ostrich

58:12

will just be like, bow, bow, bow, bow,

58:14

bow, bow, bow, bow. And then- Oh,

58:17

I forgot to mention, because you were responsible for three

58:19

deaths, that means you've gotten a kill streak, which is

58:21

a UAV. You can use it

58:23

anytime. Ooh, okay. Now,

58:26

if you keep killing people without using the kill streak, it

58:31

might get better, but you could use it for

58:33

UAV now. We gotta hold off, we

58:35

gotta hold off. Rosalie, don't you know UAV

58:37

would be like, we could see where all the bad guys

58:39

are. Like a satellite, yeah.

58:41

Everybody who didn't know that, you're good

58:43

people. Yeah, you're good people. Look

58:46

yourself in the mirror and say, you're doing all right.

58:48

You're doing all right. Those of us

58:50

with the cursed knowledge of video games,

58:52

bear this burden alone. Okay,

58:55

baby. Yeah, gamers. Xbox

58:57

gamers, PS5 gamers at the end of the day,

59:00

we're all united in this. We all know about

59:02

the stupid stuff about Call of Duty. We all

59:04

have to, we're all stuck. We're all stuck, you

59:06

understand? We're stuck here. We're doing this all the

59:08

time. He's losing it. Every year. He's

59:11

losing it. Every year is another goddamn Halo. Ballto's going rogue.

59:13

How many more Halos are there gonna be? I've

59:16

got to stop Ballto. You see this? You

59:18

gotta go slapping for real. I'm slapping harder. You gotta go

59:20

slapping for real. You

59:23

were just doing this thing eating its own tail.

59:25

They got Bill Clinton in the last call meeting.

59:27

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:30

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:34

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:37

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:40

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:43

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:47

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

59:50

Oh! I need to call over.

59:52

You can open if you want to. Wait, I thought we were gonna- You

59:54

call Intel? Yeah. Hey,

59:56

so, Romine, do they like hostages? Is

59:59

that kind of- thing. What

1:00:02

was I trying to say? Define like. Foxy

1:00:04

had a really good idea about maybe if

1:00:06

we all pretend to be hostages. Oh I

1:00:08

gotta give it up for Ron. That was

1:00:10

Ron's idea. Oh sorry, sorry Ron. I mean

1:00:12

Anastasia had a really good idea that if

1:00:14

maybe we pretend to be hostages maybe Romine

1:00:17

would come out. Well Romine

1:00:19

have many hostages. Maybe all of

1:00:21

them escaping would be good idea.

1:00:23

Okay so we kill those hostages and then

1:00:25

we become the most important hostages. I

1:00:28

don't think we should kill them but like I like the

1:00:30

idea of all this you know we get to pretend. Yeah

1:00:32

I was thinking we all pretend to be hostages. Peyton could

1:00:34

pretend to be the person who caught us and then

1:00:37

Glen just stands right behind the door and

1:00:40

then just unloads on everybody that comes in

1:00:42

to check on the hostages. Don't

1:00:44

judge me we were trying to save hostages.

1:00:47

The ghosts of everybody who's died

1:00:50

flashed across Darryl's face again. I

1:00:53

can't do this anymore. Why

1:00:55

did Romine make me a darryl?

1:00:57

Darryl? Darryl? I mean Henry, Henry, Henry. Don't

1:01:00

say that name when I'm doing what I'm

1:01:02

doing. I

1:01:05

have an idea. I have an idea. Goblin,

1:01:07

our goblin friend has like a photographic

1:01:10

memory. This is you. Why don't

1:01:12

we sneak Goblin in? Do you remember in those you

1:01:14

know I feel like those guys in those movies with

1:01:16

the guns they have the little tube that they put

1:01:18

under the door and they look around through the tube and

1:01:20

then it's like it kind of it's like well it's like

1:01:22

the thing that they used on me when I had my

1:01:24

colonoscopy. It's very

1:01:26

important you know I mean I'm looking

1:01:29

pretty good down there thanks to my

1:01:31

healthy my healthy diet. I had different

1:01:33

news. Yeah I can yeah. I mean

1:01:35

I'm fine. Some

1:01:38

speed bumps in there huh? That

1:01:40

doctor said just slow down. It's

1:01:43

like the mine cart chasing temple

1:01:45

doom in there. Well

1:01:47

I was thinking maybe we sneak our little goblin friend under the door

1:01:49

and then he can look around and come back and paint us

1:01:51

a picture of where all the guards are inside and stuff and

1:01:54

we can get that's like that's like the intel stuff that

1:01:56

you military guys do right? God damn it Foxy. I can't

1:01:58

be been wasting your talents on this fucking point. this

1:02:00

picture painting. I want to be peaceful but

1:02:02

I want to be useful more. All

1:02:10

right. I'll be right

1:02:12

back. And he

1:02:14

jumps out of the camera and he's really tiny.

1:02:16

And he runs under the door jam into the

1:02:18

next room and he goes, this room is clear.

1:02:20

You can come in. Say

1:02:22

what? This room is clear.

1:02:24

You can come in. Okay. We walk

1:02:27

in. So on the ground is an

1:02:29

un-detonated perfectly usable grenade. Wow. I

1:02:31

scan to see if this is one of those traps like that

1:02:33

Doctor Who episode you just watched and I bet you got Doctor

1:02:35

Who on the brain. Maybe someone's going to step on this landmine.

1:02:37

And then you're going to be like, oh, I've got to step

1:02:40

on the landmine and then we're going to have a whole thing

1:02:42

where I'm stuck. And if I move, I'm going to blow up.

1:02:44

That's laughing. All right. Roll

1:02:46

perception. That's what you get. I

1:02:48

got, I got one. I got that. I

1:02:51

got this. I got a, um, oh no,

1:02:53

I have a plus eight. I got

1:02:58

a 14. Okay. So

1:03:00

the 14, because Henry's very wise. You see that

1:03:03

it is a trip mine trap. You see the

1:03:05

trip wire. And you can

1:03:07

snip it easily. I snip it easily.

1:03:09

Okay. Now you have a grenade. Easier

1:03:11

said than done. All

1:03:14

right. The goblin, thank you. You don't need to

1:03:16

applaud that. Thank you. Wow.

1:03:20

Hey. Think

1:03:23

Chavez. Yeah. Think you've earned this.

1:03:25

What? Hand him the grenade. Hand him

1:03:27

the grenade? Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. Hey,

1:03:30

this ship has come in. It's up to

1:03:32

you. Grenade,

1:03:35

please. I'm going to try to

1:03:37

perform a slight of hand. You're going

1:03:39

to swap it out for a potato.

1:03:41

Yeah. You know, Henry, Henry as a

1:03:43

swinger, always has a pineapple on it.

1:03:47

Oh, wow. All right. So

1:03:49

I'm going to try to convince him that

1:03:51

the pineapple is the grenade. All right.

1:03:53

Do a deception rule. I

1:04:02

got a um I got an 11

1:04:04

he's gonna roll perception 13 I'll

1:04:07

be taking that thank you right out

1:04:09

of your hand Oh Daryl do you

1:04:11

do you are you do you know

1:04:13

what the pineapples are about to this

1:04:16

delicious you grill them I'm they are

1:04:18

delicious my friend and you do drill

1:04:20

them wait can't why

1:04:25

you guys all being weird about pineapple guys it's 9-11 make a wish

1:04:45

okay dare but just as just

1:04:47

to wrap up the pineapple discourse

1:04:49

Henry does text Mercedes-O Garcia football

1:04:52

pineapple thumbs up she

1:04:57

sends back eggplant eggplant eggplant eggplant

1:04:59

eggplant okay

1:05:02

so the goblin runs in runs it in the next room he

1:05:04

goes oh no and he runs back in and he shows you

1:05:06

a picture of what he drew and you

1:05:08

see a picture of five guards surrounding a hostage and

1:05:11

it looks like they're beating him up oh

1:05:13

god one hostage one house so this isn't all the hostages

1:05:17

this is just like this is just one of the

1:05:19

host are they surrounding him like what's going on what

1:05:21

is the air surrounding das so we've gotten rid of

1:05:23

five and you're saying there's five

1:05:25

here you wish I didn't make that joke about the math

1:05:27

because now I'm curious as to how many we actually have

1:05:30

but this would be

1:05:32

a total of ten so far

1:05:34

okay what do you guys

1:05:36

think I know I'm the leader but it's

1:05:39

hard for me to see anything other than the ghost we

1:05:44

get it what

1:05:46

is enough with the ghosts of everyone you

1:05:48

can that's a great that's

1:05:51

a great plane yes

1:05:54

because presumably these bad

1:05:56

guys have killed people

1:05:58

too and And maybe

1:06:00

they haven't properly been

1:06:02

mentally acquitted for their sins

1:06:05

yet. It's just

1:06:07

like that play with the old man.

1:06:11

The old man and there's the sad

1:06:13

and then there's the

1:06:15

Muppets are in it. A

1:06:17

Muppet Christmas Carol? There's the one. Yeah, well, I don't

1:06:19

know if Carol's seen it or not. But

1:06:21

we love Muppet Christmas Carol. But you know, and he's

1:06:23

old and like they're all like his. And then there's like,

1:06:25

well, I mean, frankly, he's kind of like, well, I've

1:06:28

been on this subreddit called Antiwork. And they have some

1:06:30

things to say about this. And

1:06:32

I frankly, like he was mean to his. Yeah. Well,

1:06:34

yeah, we don't know me to be vulgar about it.

1:06:36

But do you not know the Christmas Carol? I'm sorry.

1:06:39

I've never spent Christmas Carol with them. I

1:06:41

haven't spent. But if you're interested in, you

1:06:43

know, I spent some time with Carol. I

1:06:49

mean, yeah, you guys come over pretty

1:06:51

often. Yeah, he's gonna fuck your

1:06:53

wife, dude. Tayden.

1:06:55

What? I call it like a

1:06:57

thing. I got a grenade. Not

1:07:00

right away. Don't let the fuck with me. I

1:07:02

have a grenade. Anyway. OK,

1:07:04

so what would you like to do about this room with five

1:07:06

guards and a hostage? Tayden's like, I just throw it at the

1:07:09

grenade and then no more five guards. And we lose the hostage.

1:07:11

I love this idea because you know what happened to that

1:07:13

old man is he learned to be a better man

1:07:15

and he bought a big turkey, which frankly, he could

1:07:17

have bought like a nice tofurkey. But you know, I

1:07:19

appreciated that he's growing. So I think we should remind

1:07:22

these people of the people that they've killed by dressing

1:07:24

up like spooky ghosts. Yes. So

1:07:26

if there's any like a

1:07:28

flower on the floor or

1:07:30

white powder, cocaine. Cocaine. So

1:07:33

I roll in the cocaine. There's cocaine everywhere.

1:07:35

And then I look like a ghost. I

1:07:38

look so pale. I'm like, OK. Nine.

1:07:45

You're wired. You're wired. I say,

1:07:47

so I look like a ghost now. And I'm going

1:07:49

to go in the room. I'm going to go in

1:07:51

the room. And I'm going to, oh, what? Is Matt

1:07:53

going to slap a woman? I

1:07:56

am. LAUGHTER

1:08:04

Henry would like to cast

1:08:06

Investiture of Wind. I

1:08:09

have a wind spell. What? A farty sounding spell. That's a

1:08:11

safart, yeah. I have a lot of fart smells. I have

1:08:13

Windwalk. I have

1:08:15

Investiture of Wind. I have Freedom

1:08:18

of the Winds. God,

1:08:20

that's what being polyamorous is, yes. I

1:08:24

would like to use my wind spells to like, sort

1:08:26

of, A, you know, like, just sort of dramatically blow

1:08:28

the doors open as if one

1:08:30

was a ghost and one was entering a room. And

1:08:32

then also, I was thinking maybe it would give us

1:08:34

a little oomph, like we're kind of floating ethereally from

1:08:36

all the wind. Okay. And

1:08:39

then I would like to cast, I know it's

1:08:41

not the way it works in D&D, but it's

1:08:43

the way it works in Dungeon Daddies, which is

1:08:45

ancestral projections or whatever. Yeah. We

1:08:47

had it as like, yeah, I can literally make

1:08:49

a ghost beer. LAUGHTER We

1:08:53

talked about it being George Washington, right? Yeah, it's fine. Yeah,

1:08:55

it's George Washington. George Washington is the great actor. Because there's,

1:08:57

the reasons it works, because there's five of them, they'll each

1:08:59

assume it's one of the other one's ghosts. Oh.

1:09:02

That must be Dennis's ghost. Still pretty creepy. It's

1:09:04

not my, it's not somebody I killed. It must

1:09:06

be the guy that he killed. So

1:09:09

I'll add that to Anastasia's ghostly form.

1:09:11

Okay, Anastasia and... And we get George

1:09:13

Washington high on cocaine. Yeah. All

1:09:16

right. Whoa. He probably was. He

1:09:19

did a lot of drugs. All right, so your spell just

1:09:21

automatically works, I feel like, off Foxy. So

1:09:23

now Henry and Anastasia, go ahead and roll for me. Okay.

1:09:27

Roll a... I'm Henry. Wait,

1:09:29

which Henry? You're Foxy, I'm Henry.

1:09:31

You're Foxy, he's Henry. Okay. Roll

1:09:34

performance, please. Oh, performance. Okay, performance. I

1:09:37

got a 17. Ooh. Ooh.

1:09:41

I got a 8 minus 1. I'm

1:09:44

just talking to George Washington in the back. Hey, man. He

1:09:47

doesn't even go in. LAUGHTER How

1:09:50

many slaves do you own? Whoa, George. It's

1:09:52

really hard every year. It

1:09:55

gets hard to defend you, buddy. LAUGHTER

1:10:00

Like that's the first thing you said. How

1:10:02

am I supposed to start a conversation? That's

1:10:05

how we do this back then. I

1:10:07

have like 20. Okay. That's how you

1:10:09

know I mean more than you. You can go back to wherever it

1:10:12

is you were. Alright. So,

1:10:15

Ron walks in there and he's

1:10:17

like... He's

1:10:20

rubbing his teeth. Dear

1:10:23

Slim, I wrote you but you still ain't calling. I left

1:10:26

my cell phone and my pager at the bottom. I wrote

1:10:28

two letters back and on him. You must not have gotten

1:10:30

them. There must have been a problem at the post office

1:10:32

or something. I swear, these letters

1:10:34

get kind of sloppy when I jot them.

1:10:38

So, I'm your number one fan

1:10:40

and I died and you didn't

1:10:42

do anything. Help me. I'm a

1:10:45

ghost. Help. Help, boo. So,

1:10:48

you rolled an 18 you

1:10:50

said? I rolled a 17. A

1:10:52

17. Okay. So, I'm going to have each guard

1:10:54

individually roll and if they get under

1:10:56

17 they're going to believe you're the ghost of

1:10:58

Eminem they killed. First

1:11:01

guy fails. I'm Stan, man. I'm Stan.

1:11:04

Second guy succeeds. God damn it. Third

1:11:07

guy succeeds. God damn it. Fourth

1:11:09

guy fails. Okay. Fifth

1:11:11

guy fails. So, three

1:11:14

of the people, three of

1:11:16

the guards go, Stan. They all

1:11:18

killed Stan together. What a fateful night.

1:11:21

We read over to talk about that.

1:11:24

And then the two guards are like, is that a dude

1:11:26

on coke? Ooh. And then

1:11:28

I lean into Balte and I go, fly

1:11:31

in my little bird. There's

1:11:34

two distracted soldiers. And

1:11:37

then once again Balte spins the corner and

1:11:40

slices the pie perfectly in slow motion.

1:11:42

Oh, man. And nobody's throwing a flashbang

1:11:44

this time. What if you shoot?

1:11:46

You're distracted by the ghost. Exactly. Shoot.

1:11:49

A spiritual flashbang. Roll to shoot. What if you,

1:11:51

okay, this is a silly thing. Okay. Okay.

1:11:55

What if you shot the guys and then you realize they were

1:11:57

cake? Can

1:12:01

I see your microwave? No! Ah,

1:12:04

there we go. Okay,

1:12:08

it should be fine now. All

1:12:11

right. Roll

1:12:15

two. So to be clear, this is going to be

1:12:18

a multi-part roll. Roll to slice the pie. Roll two.

1:12:20

Acquire, right, a sight picture. For

1:12:22

anyone who's slicing the pie. Can you

1:12:24

get up and demonstrate slicing the pie

1:12:26

to the audience? All right, if anyone

1:12:28

ever needs... This

1:12:32

is the forbidden knowledge I have gained from video games.

1:12:36

If anyone ever needs to clear a

1:12:38

room in a tactical situation, you

1:12:41

don't want to just like jump in front of the door. Right here.

1:12:44

You two come up and like make a doorway for me. Okay,

1:12:46

make a doorway for me. I'll demonstrate this. We're making a doorway?

1:12:49

Oh, okay. Should I lay across the top? You

1:12:51

right here, Daryl, Matt, right here. You

1:12:54

guys face that? Here's the church. See, Daryl, this is what's

1:12:56

called an iphone. This is what's called an iphone tower. No.

1:13:01

Okay, let's say... Look at those two hetero pieces of shit.

1:13:03

Let's say we're trying to breach and clear this room, okay?

1:13:05

What you don't want to do is you don't want to

1:13:07

just kind of like, haha, jump out. And

1:13:09

you don't want to just like run straight through. So slicing the

1:13:11

pie, you want to start off to the side. You'll

1:13:15

see I have a very narrow slice. You can see

1:13:17

I see one, two people here in the audience here,

1:13:19

right? Right there. And

1:13:21

as I have my weapon in a

1:13:23

primary position, I come around here and I

1:13:25

gradually... Are you guys in your micro-click?

1:13:33

It's fixed now. In this section of the show, Anthony turns off

1:13:35

my microphone and I demonstrate

1:13:37

wordlessly how a tier one operator

1:13:39

slices the pie. If you'd like

1:13:42

to see how it's done, join

1:13:44

our Patreon. patreon.com/Dungeons & Dads. And

1:13:46

then ideally... Ideally,

1:13:49

the rest of your team gets the other parts to rise. So here's

1:13:51

the thing. Oh, my God. I see

1:13:53

the pie. Roll! Roll it, dice! Roll

1:13:56

with advantage because you taught everybody how to slice the pie.

1:13:58

Okay, sweet. And I guess it makes sense. power any

1:14:00

school shooters. Three and a one. Three

1:14:02

and a one. So you, Glenn comes

1:14:05

around the

1:14:09

corner just like here's my chance. I blew

1:14:11

the second one. My whole team's counting on

1:14:14

me and I go boom. The problem is

1:14:16

I actually do say

1:14:18

boom. Immediately the two

1:14:20

guards that were not

1:14:22

convinced by the stand

1:14:24

thing start shooting at

1:14:27

you. You take a D12

1:14:29

of damage. Do I die? What?

1:14:31

Do I die? No, they don't shoot you. They shoot

1:14:34

the guy that clearly has

1:14:36

a gun. So you're fine. I

1:14:39

take seven points of damage. Luckily

1:14:42

I'm wearing combat armor. Where

1:14:44

does it hit on the body? Can we simulate where that

1:14:47

is? You're going to get shot in the head in a

1:14:49

second. Straight bullet takes off your tongue. Henry glances to the

1:14:52

corners of

1:14:57

his vision. He looks at face of

1:14:59

one of the many men he's killed. He says,

1:15:01

you guys need some new friends. And I pull

1:15:03

my axe out. I'm going

1:15:06

to charge at the

1:15:08

closest soldier. All right, roll. I'm

1:15:11

going to use enrage. Yep. Yep. That's

1:15:14

a what do I add to this?

1:15:17

That's an 11. That's going to be a

1:15:19

17. All right. You kill one. Oh,

1:15:21

fucking slice one and a half. But

1:15:24

I buy cake. The

1:15:27

moment the moment his head leaves his body, like

1:15:29

you all see a disappear, but it just for

1:15:31

me just fades into a ghost that is standing

1:15:33

right in front of me. I go, I'm sorry.

1:15:36

And I go for the second one. I roll

1:15:38

a 19. Another one goes

1:15:40

down. Both of the

1:15:42

non scared soldiers are bisected by

1:15:44

you easily. Bloods. How scared are

1:15:46

the ones that

1:15:48

are still there? Happy Pride bisected.

1:15:51

That was Beth's joke. I just

1:15:53

repeated it. How

1:15:55

scared are the ones that are still left? You know what

1:15:57

I'm saying? They are very scared. They dropped their guns. and

1:16:00

they scream. So now I acquire five

1:16:02

total guns. In

1:16:06

that moment, in that

1:16:08

moment, the door at the other end

1:16:10

of the room kicks open and it's

1:16:12

Romine. Romine. It's Romine. Glenn,

1:16:16

thinking quickly, because he's, uh...

1:16:18

Shoots five guns. No.

1:16:22

Holds a rifle to Paden. I

1:16:25

got the last hostage here. We

1:16:27

cleaned them up. Roll deception. Ha

1:16:30

ha ha. Oh! What

1:16:33

room did they walk into, Freddy? Huh? What

1:16:36

room did they walk into? Was it the... The right

1:16:38

room or the... Was it the right room? Y'all

1:16:40

walked into the wrong room. Motherfucker! That's a 17

1:16:43

plus 14, and I even deleveled

1:16:45

Glenn. This

1:16:50

is tour Glenn close. 17 plus 14, 31. In

1:17:00

that moment, by the way, I would like to

1:17:02

hand Paden a note. And

1:17:04

we don't have to read this, but I'm going to hand

1:17:07

it to you, Anthony. Okay. You see what

1:17:09

I'm saying? That's good. Yeah? You

1:17:11

okay? Okay. He

1:17:14

just wrote a slur on that. About

1:17:17

white people. It's

1:17:19

okay. It's about white people. Yeah,

1:17:21

it's okay. Okay.

1:17:24

So, Paden is going to do what is

1:17:26

an instruction of him. It wasn't really a slur.

1:17:28

That would be insane if it

1:17:30

was. That would be fucking insane. Freddy,

1:17:32

what are you doing? What?

1:17:35

Paden's... So, Romine comes in and

1:17:38

sees that you have killed everybody except

1:17:41

for the hostage. And he goes, well

1:17:44

done. Well done. You managed

1:17:46

to save the hostage. This one's pre-implantation, right? Yes.

1:17:50

All right. Well, let's get a bomb in him. And

1:17:54

they take Paden by the arm and try

1:17:56

to walk away with Paden. Paden's going to

1:17:58

try to sneak away.